Personal Journal

Family

There are about... two, yes, two people that I want to talk to from day to day. If I could erase all memory of me from their brains, I'd gladly erase myself from the memory of my families. If I never thought about them again, I would feel no sense of loss...

It was easier to say something deep from my heart to Jean's mom, Minnie, than it is to have a remotely meaningful conversation with my mother. My father is alright, but we've never had a relationship, and my brother I rarely talk to, till Jean died. Probably twice since she died, and twice in the 8 years before.

I am going to have to get around to talking to my mother and father, perhaps this weekend. It's been a month or more. With dad, it'll probably be easier. It's mom who has the chance of really alienating me or making me feel awful. God I dread it.

Maybe I should put it off another week. Maybe I'm just not ready to talk to people, and I should leave them both voice messages, or send cards (even more impersonal, which is good). Yeah, much better plan.

Minnie I'll give a call to on Saturday. She's probably going to get the death certificate and my letter to her by Saturday. Maybe even tomorrow. I expect that will move her to tears.

I shared that letter with a few people, all of whom but one are mothers. Every one of them thought it was a beautiful letter, which is what I was hoping for. But I don't know what to think, now, knowing my beautiful words are going to be a trigger for Minnie. Maybe my beautiful words are going to hurt her in some way. I don't want to do that to her. <shrug> It had to be said. The beauty had to come out, even if it hurts.

That poor woman.