Where's the Silver Lining?

Hopelessness

I don't like feeling hopeless, yet here I am in that very state.

I also don't like being a gullible old fool, yet here I am in that state.

When will I learn that if something seems too good, that I seem to be having too many good things happen, that it isn't real or won't last? When will I learn that if I want or need something, that it is up to me to get it myself? When? I don't know.

I start by being cautious when someone offers something, but after a while I start believing that maybe this time. Then comes reality, and trust is broken. I feel betrayed and a sense of hopelessness. I should never have hoped. Now I have nothing to look forward to, no hope left. When will I ever learn?

No, I'm not having a pity party, but a "I'm disgusted with myself" party. I should know better than to expect someone else to provide for me in any way. So what if I'm the kind of person, who, when she says she will do something, will turn herself inside out to do it. I should know after years of being disappointed that others aren't always like that. Yes, I've known some who are, and I know some now who are. They are just very few and far between. *sigh* I should know by now. When will I ever learn?

Dear God, is that how you feel every day after dealing with us? I'm sorry I've disappointed and failed you. Please help me to be better, and help me to stop hurting when others disappoint me. Thank you for the wonderful, caring people you have sent to me, for Chatty's wonderful cNote that I needed so badly tonight, for a husband who still thinks I beautiful and sexy. Thank you for loving me when I have fallen short so many times.