Monkeys

How am I?

How am I doing? I got several emails this week, asking that. So I'll respond in a way that will hopefully end some questions for awhile. (Not that I mind being asked- it makes me wonder if people really do care.)

I am holding my own. I am waking up daily, which is good, because otherwise, someone else is using my things, and doing my job. But I do wake up, and I go to work (thanks to Chalanna, I have a ride) and I do my job. Then I come home, and walk around my house, sometimes I cook, sometimes I clean. Mostly, I sit and think. I think about the way things were, and then I just hurt, and try to figure out how I could have done things differently. I think about moving back to NY and buying that house that I got the chance to buy. And then I just get scared, thinking about really leaving here, and how different things are in NY. Not just different from here, but different since I left there. Sometimes I think about going back and begging Joshua to try...just one more try. But then I am rudely reminded that he doesn't want me.

I'm going to be okay- I have a few things on my plate. I actually have a few good opportunities to look at right now. I mentioned already that I had the opportunity to buy a house. And I do. It is in Silver Creek, and my sister and I want to buy it. We will talk more about it when she is here this coming week, I am sure. But it sounds good. I'm looking forward to her being here as well. Been back less than a week, and already I miss her. She is familiar to me, and while she doesn't understand why I do the things I do, she understands that I simply do them. And that's okay with me. She's a good girl. And she strives for righteousness. Which she does not proclaim....it's something I can see. Something others see. "I saw Jesus in you, I saw Jesus in you, I could here His voice in the words you said, I saw Jesus in you. In your eyes I saw His care, I could see His love was there. You were faithful and I saw Jesus in you." Those are lyrics from a song that we sing at IBC. And that is how I feel about her.

Anyway, rabbit trail, sorry.

Tonight, I talked to Joshua. Regarding the rumors that seem to frequent my ears. He denied everyone, and that's not cool. Because there were some things that only could have been told from his mouth. Personal things that only a few people in the world would know. But he denied them. I also talked to him about telling D that I said he and S were doing wrong things. (I didn't, but by the time I talked to D, he was already angry, ended up telling me that Joshua had told him, and then saying he had to go and he would call me back. Needless to say, he never did. Funny part is, Joshua was the one who was pumping me for info awhile back and asking if I saw anything in S's room when I got changed. Other than some folded clothes of D's, there was nothing that I noticed. But then, I wasn't looking. Therefore, I can only imagine what S, C and R think of me. I didn't do anything wrong, and yet some people would rather sit and stew about things rather than ask like Liza did. I don't know, it just bothers me.

I don't want to live in this life anymore. I just want to be able to hold my head high, knowing that I am a good person. Makes me sick to think I'm not. I try to be, but I'm never good enough for anyone. Even being miserbal and doing nothing but drink and cry is good enough, when obviously his goal is to lift himself up- at my expense. That wasn't enough for him. He had to ruin the few things that I had left in life: pride (Inknowing I did nothing wrong), my life (very empty without him, but there none the less) and my belief in love. I told him in my wedding vows that he had restored my faith in something that I didn't know existed anymore, love. And look how long that lasted. Forever....which according to Joshua is 2 1/2 months or so.

Just perfect. Have it your way, all of you. I just don't care anymore. I can't- it hurts to care. And the pain, let me tell you, is just too much to bear. I don't know what is going to happen, but I don't care.



Beckie