Monkeys

All messed up

Ugh. My stomach hurts...nope- not sick...just hurt. Again. I start to think I'm going to be okay- and then this. And it's my own fault. I think. I wish I couldn't love Joshua anymore. Love is a wonderful wonderful thing. But when it hurts like this, it seems more like a curse.

I'm not going to go into detail here...because it isn't anyone else's business. But I will say this...it isn't a rumor- I didn't hear it from anyone else. I saw it. Which hurt...badly. I've heard enough since I went to NY....but it was rumor- and gossip, and I could tell those who shared with me to shut up- and then tune it out as if it never happend. But this....I saw this. And it broke my heart. I threw up within a matter of minutes. This is not right.

You know....someone was recently trying desperatly to make me angry with Joshua- saying that it would make it easier to detatch myself. And they said this "Beckie, he lied to you about everything. He was not honest with you about anything. He said he'd take care of you, but he didn't- you were too much maintenance, you took up too much of his time that he wanted to be out with his friends. He said he understood that you missed your family and were homesick, then he threw it back in your face. He said that he loved you. And then he took that back. He never held up to anything he told you." In a way, I want to believe this. But here is the thing: I was too much maintenance for Joshua.... anyone that isn't Joshua himself or his mother is too much maintenance. I did take up too much of his time. I wanted to spend time with my husband. So shoot me. But, he wanted to be out with various friends, getting me an occasional mercy invitation....so that I wouldn't sit at home and feel bad. I don't know hich was worse, going and feeling out of place or being home alone. And I am very homesick. It's hard, you know, when your dad is as old and as sick as mine, you want to spend time with him, and when you are treated as an outcast in a state where you obviously don't belong, you'd want to go home too. When you don't have someone who will pay your bills when you "Feel like quitting" you'd want to go home too. And when your husband goes out of his way to make you uncomfortable in your own home, you really want to go home. Sad part is- I'm not sure that it was out of his way- he's just so "in his way" and spoiled that he probably doesn't even realize that he does it. And as far as love? I will maintain that he loves me. He said he wasn't in love with me, but that he still loved me. Okay- was he ever in love with me? Did he ever have a passion for me? If he didn't, he lied about that. But I do believe he loves me. I can see it, and feel it. But it just bothers me that he denies it now. He "cares" about me. What a crock of crap.

Oh God, how can this be over? How can he just walk away? How did he just give it up???? Like I said, it wasn't all peaches and roses, but it was real. It was something I could cling to. Something whole. Complete. Wonderful. God, I'm so frustrated. I don't know anymore. This isn't right. I'm not going to go through with it. I can't. It isn't right.

I've had enough at this point, the game is over, and I want to go back. I want him back. I can't make him see it....because his mind was made up back in August, and through everything I did for him, he did nothing but let me pay his bills, be intimate when he felt like it. Appear to love me when it was convenient for him, hate me the other 99% of the time. And show it- that's what gets me. He couldn't even be sensitive to my feelings. Ever....not once since August did he ask if I was okay- did I need anything. Even a "Gee Beckie, you worked hard for your promotion, I'm glad you got it." No, what I got was "You're going to get the raise?" Paraphrased of course. And it wasn't until I freaked out right before I moved out, and said something about it that he finally said "I am proud of you!" Well thanks for showing it man. If he had been even half as motivated to get a job all fall while I worked my butt off through lunch, going in 1/2 an hour early every day, working whenever I could have, maybe we would have survived this. It wouldn't have all been such a waste. And for him, well, a lesson learned...but not for him. I think all he learned out of this was that his mom really truly hates me. Or maybe he knew that in the first place, I don't know. I, on the other hand, learned priceless lessons. I learned that no matter how real it feels, it will end. I learned that love does hurt- even when it shouldn't.
I learned that I am not Joshua's soul mate, even if he is mine. And I learned that you can't count on people who say they love you- they lie. I learned to lean on Jesus more. But above all, I learned that when yout ruly love someone, no matter what you do, you should never, ever set them free. Because even if it is true- if they are blind, they'll never come back. Love doesn't fade. Love is true and patient. Kind. Forgiving. Understanding. But above all, unconditional and eternal.

And regardless of everything, I do love him. And today, this very moment, if Joshua showed up at my door and wanted to give it another try. I would. Because I love him. Because I can forgive. Because I know he loves me. He just doesn't want to anymore.

Please keep me in your prayers. Because I don't think that anyone except Rueben, who's going through the same thing with his wife, can understand. Don't try...just know that I have a very real need, and a very real passion for Joshua.