Just Jul Lee

monkeY

monkeY a.k.a. Ponderings
DATE: December 16, 2004

I understand, Lord, that You are God, that You are the Creator of all things and that You possess great power. Unfortunately, I am a human that has a very weak spirit, something that seems to be a constant in my life is doubt. Now I believe that You can do anything, God, and I know that nothing is impossible if I believe in You. But, here is the thing. I don't feel pretty. I know that's not some great thing, something that's going to alter the course of my life or destroy my destiny, but I just don't feel pretty. I don't think I've ever really felt truly beautiful. There are times when my self esteem would crawl out of the deep hole it lives in and I'd feel attractive but then I would be profusely ignored. Seemingly, I'm invisible. Now, I thank You, Lord, for Your mercy, forgiveness, guidence and love and I know that Your calling for my life is the same as it always was and is but I don't feel pretty. Add to the fact that I can't stick to a simple diet and excercise plan and lose all this atrocious weight that destroys me from the outside in. I am willing to wait, Lord, for I know that I am not ready to be a wife, but today I feel ugly. Inside and out. I'm trying not to get depressed and writing helps quell the crying within my soul and so I write. I've been well, lately, though my prayer closest isn't existing and I loathe that fact and though my dreams are not being realized in my own hurried timing. Waiting, God, seems to be something I must always do. I do not mind, not truly, when it comes to things I'm afraid of. Yes, afraid. I'm afraid of being a wife. It terrorizes my soul and stills my heart, makes me think of a life that I've told myself I didn't want, didn't desire, didn't deserve. But You told me, once again, that being a Pastor's wife is what my calling is. How is that possible? Love leaves me alone, only in Your embrace am I truly accepted and loved. I can't see it, Lord, and I want so badly to see it, I want to touch it, to feel it, I want to see Your will for me as clearly as You do. Thank You, Lord, for the scriptures in Ruth, one of the things helping me to cling to hope. Funny, isn't it, that hope so easily slips away. It's been a week, for sobbing out loud, and I am already doubting. I'm sorry, Lord, that my faith isn't as strong as it should be. But, I am feeling better. Someday, I will understand love, human love, and I will feel it at last...someday, in Your timing, when everything is right and all is perfect in Your eyes. I can't wait until the day I see You, Lord, for Your love and mercy for me allow me to carry on. Thank You, Lord, for everything.

JULIE A DOOLITTLE a.k.a MONKEY a.k.a ALL RIGHTIE THEN a.k.a. HMMM a.k.a. PURRR-FECT ;) Have a good day!!