what matters and why

a new state

He leaves in the morning and doesn’t say good bye. I lay in bed at night and there is no attempt from him to even touch me. I wonder if his attraction is fading, or if he’s just exhausted from past rejection. I don’t think he looks at me anymore, or anything at all for that matter. It’s like he’s lost in his own self misery and overwhelming stress. The behavior is strangely similar to that when the affair started a year and a half ago. He would leave projects uncompleted, a mess in the house. I have prepared myself emotionally to go through this again. I would not be shocked to find him engaged in inappropriate behavior. The wall has already gone up, so that if it does happen, no tears will be shed. Emotional distance is already in it’s place. It’s almost a set up for him to falter but I don’t know what else to do. How do open up to someone who is so distant? Watching him now I wonder if all that time our broken marriage came from his own personal issues and not my lack of affection as he claims. The issues won’t leave. Medication and money seems to make it worse but he’s never learned another way to solve a problem. He needs attention and sympathy, and I need someone stronger. I can’t help wondering also, if he believes he made the wrong choice in coming back to me. He’s seen me when I was independent, and that was appealing, but now that we are together, he sees again all the things that caused him to stray. There are things that I will never be able to provide to him. Especially now, when the resentment toward his behavior last year is still so new. It will wear on this relationship. I look ahead a year and can’t comprehend that we will make it through this. I wonder if I have put myself in a terrible situation for my children. Two states away from any kind of support system, and under the influence of a man who seems to be able to justify all immoral actions. And in the process cause my insurmountable guilt that causes me to shrink away like a child. I need so much more in a partner for life. Maybe it’s the career choice that will eventually destroy us. He believes there are no other options for him, yet this job has changed him into a person I don’t want to be with.