trapped in a soap opera

a little bit of time

ok well i actually have a little bit of time and privacy to explain a little of what has been going on in the past few weeks. where to start???
ummm last weekend my friend matt came up from batesville and he was drunk as hell. i put him to bed in my room and then tymm called--i was drinking that night so i dont remember much about what happened, but i do know that somewhere in there i lied about whether or not i had been in the room with matt (i was but only for a few min to make sure he didnt fall over anything etc.) he was not in my bed he was in the extra bed. but anyway on with the story. tymm freaked out because i lied to him about it and ended up bitin (yes i said biting) my nose, and slapping the shit out of me. consequently i broke up with him (which would be the first time vs. the weekly times he breaks up with me when hes pissed.) and threatened to call the cops on him if he didnt bring my car back by noon the next day (he wouldnt let me drive so he drove me home--because i was drunk). big huge drama for a few days. i wasnt going to try to work it out but once i calmed down he did make some good points. oh yeah and was threatening to commit suicide. it was a fucked up few days.
well we are still technically broken up i guess--i see him sometimes--he says he has to see that im not going to lie to him again before we can be together again. of course i have some stipulations of my own i just havent gotten to many of them yet.
ive taken to writing him letters when i have something to say--that way i dont react to the way he reacts. that and im always better about writing about how i feel then talking about it--somehow my mind always goes blank in the moment and i end up fucking it all up. that way he can read it when im not there--have his initial reaction then have some time to think about it before we discuss it. i feell this has been the best, most non confrontational way to get my points across--to tell him how i feel without it turning into a blame contest or a fight.
i know some people will be like "well why are you still trying to be with him after he hit you?" well you have to understand that its not a one sided thing--yes he is bigger and stronger, but im one of those people who when i get mad i get in ppls face and push their buttons--hell i would hit me for some of the stuff i do. anyway so thats kinda the status quo of whats going on right now.
otherwise i havent drank since that night, and the medicine is going well. usually by now id be begging for him to come back and to spend some time with me. not that being around him and not having the level of intimacy that we had isnt hard, but its managable--it hurts, but i can deal with it. my entire mood has gotten better--i kinda wanted to drink or smoke last night and was a little upset--but two weeks ago i would have killed a bottle of vodka and cried myself to sleep to make the pain go away. so its a vast improvement.
the medicine is kinda fucking with me when i first start taking it and im getting ready to go through it all again when i up my dosage for the last time tomorrow--but just the changes ive seen so far on the smaller doses make me see that the week or so im spazzing out is worth it.
im staying with brenda right now until they get my apt ready by the way--there was a lot of stuff going on with that but its all cleared up and im running out of time.
well i guess that is enough of a book (hey this is the short and sweet version) so i guess ill get out of here for now. i might have more of a chance to write now since i moved farther out of time, so sometimes i have time to kill in between classes and i come here to the coffee house