Journal

the breakup

it's been a long time since i have written. lets see what has happened. in the end of july i got a job working at a '50s diner, the owner is an infamous asshole, worked there for about 10 weeks. quit the day before his vacation... hahahha.....so i got more serving experience and a look at the "real" world for people that depend on jobs like that for full time wages and benifits. a couple days before i quit sebastian (the sous chef from the foundu rest who quit after me..) contacted me about working in this new german restruant, so i am currently working there and thus far i am enjoying my bosses cheery attitudes and the money.
school has been almost a waste of time. right now i am only taking 2 classes, most people are taking four. Advanced bio and math. a lovely combonation. not. but it's not to bad, unfortunetly i haven't been doing much debating lately due to the amount of time i would have to take off from work. but i am getting tired of the debate coach's personal politics and opinions which he shares with everyone. he even comments on his students to other students. i got a feel of when he gossiped about alex and i.
which brings me to my next topic. alex. ouch. well i guess he was my 1st serious boyfriend. i cared about him, trusted him had fun with him. some of his strengths were mine. we were both leaders who blazed our own trails. no one could tell us what to be or think. when we first started dating our friend scott commented that it was weird that we were together because we were both "alphas" alex however has some faults that bothered me, his constant smoking, refusal to apoligize or admit to wrong doing, fliratatious behavior, druken behavior. oh and have i mentioned that he is four years older then me? it might not sound important but a 21 year old dating a 17 yr old is a major gap. and guess who was more mature in several important aspects? yes you have it........... me. but i cared for him, he had never been with someone who he cared about, he was basically a manwhore. but he was faithful. i do't know. it still hurts to think about it. we broke up yesterday. today is his birthday. ok, on friday night a friend of ours threw a big halloween/birthday party, have you seen mean girls? there is a line that everyone completely conformed to "hallowenn is the one night of the year girls can dress like sluts and get away from it" most of the girls there were in underware and fishnets or french maids. completely slutty. i wore a floor length black satin gown with a long sleved lace shirt with a tank top underneith. not slutty. i wore a tira and called myself the queen of the underworld. almost every single one of my guy friends came up to me and told me that they were very happy that i passed up the chance to be a slut. it said alot about my self respect. i am not ugly, i could carry off any of those outfits well. espessially alex, he said he was glad his gf had class.ha. anyway almost everyone was trashed. espesially alex. he is the undesputed king of the party scene for the most part. at about 10 i saw this boy that i am friends with, he is the sweetest boy i know, he walks with a limp and has very thick glasses, he wants very badly to be considered cool. he was stumbling drunk and just in a bad position all around. so i made him leave with me in order to sober him up. we went and i bought him a taco, we talked and he thanked me and told me that he considered me a sister. it was so sweet.
after dropping him off at home i went back to the party. by that time everyone was dancing. alex said hello, kissed me and went off. that was fine i talked to my friends and laughed at the stupidity of everyone's drunkeness. after a while kellie stumbles up, she is drunk and she just took 3 hits of chronic. so from then on she is so messed up that she is basically incapisitated. after taking care of her i look for alex. i walked into the living room, girls are giving guys strip shows. ok, whatever, my boyfriend cares about me. i pass inbetween a girl and a guy not looking. where is alex? is he passed out somewhere? i glance at the guy. oh my god. it is alex with this girls breasts in his face. i walk back blindly towards my friends. how could he. i tell them that i am leaving. he stumbles up. i let loose on him. how could he. i care about him. he embarassed me and betrayed my trust. i told him to call me in the morning. i left. i drove blindly. parked and thougt. i am true to my standards and virtues. i go to his house get my things that i have lent him rip up a picture of us looking happy and carefree. leave call a friend to check on kellie, he tells me what alex did was ok, alex did nothing wrong, he didn't touch her, i am overreacting. i tell him that i am in pain and i don't care about excuses.
we meet the next morning. i tell him that he betrayed me and humiliated me. he has "live with honor" tattoed on his chest. he has "nsyv" on an arm. never scarifice your values. he tells me that he doesn't think what he did was wrong. i had asked him before hand to not do anything like that. but he did. he says he feels like he can't be free to have fun and be himself with me. he cares about me, respects me. he doesn't see how he was wrong. he is sorry he hurt me. but he didn't do anything immoral or wrong. maybe we should take a break. he doesn't know if he wants to change. he has such a hard life. blah fucking blah. hurt. pain. shock. i was planning on taking a break for my sake but i thought that this person that i respected and trusted would realize what he had done. he is a child. he whinned about how he never has fun. i thougth i could fall in love with him. he says i pressure him to stop smoking and watching tv too much. he asked me to. i cared about him
i told him i pitied him. he told me pity was for dogx. i told him that if he couldn't comprehend the difference between right and wrong, or HONOR AND DISHONOR. i told him i pitied him and walked away.


later as i was crying on my friends sholder a friend of his called me. this guy had been hitting on me lately. iwas offended.
after work. i held it together until i was with a friend. i found out that on the night of the party after i left he got another lap dance from a differnt girl. and the guy who called? he called for alex to get a memory card from me but wussed out at the sound of my tears.

most of his friends will be bashing me right now for staying true to my morals. i will be called a bitch and a whore. a slut. all of this because i won't accept my boyfriend getting a lap dance. oh my god. i was so fooled.

tommorow is a new day. i am loved by many people. i am getting intergrity tattooed onto my back. this is for you alex. i will show you what it looks like.