Monkeys

Devastation

I have to wonder what that word really means..... I'm not going to waste my time going to dictionary.com to tell you what it means. But I am going to say this...

"You know what Beckie? You're not even devastated." My mom said that to me 2 days ago when I told her that my marriage is over. Joshua doesn't want to be married anymore, and there is no reasoning with him. It is going to be hard (marriage) and he knows that, but he wasn't/isn't ready for it. And that makes me sick. Not that he wasn't ready for it.....but that he isn't now. We've been married for months now...not even just like 2. I don't know. But he isn't in love with me, and doesn't want to stay married. I guess for the last 2 months, I've walked aorund wondering if he was going to come home or not....and I kind of knew it was coming. That doesn't make it easier....but it haas made me to be not so emotional about it. I've cried, I've thrown up and I've lost more sleep than I care to talk about. Has it changed anything? Nope. The only thing that has changed anything is prayer. And fasting of course. I know what God wants me to do....He's made it clear. But how can I do that when that's not what Joshua wants to do? And it is ever-so-clear too. I don't know. Whatever devastation is....I'm sure I am. I just can't show it anymore. I don't know. I'm tired...and I'm old. I want to leave. I want to not do this anymore. Can I just be happy?

Well, for those of you wondering, I am going to stay here for awhile I think, work for a bit. But then I don't know what I am going to do. Maybe I'll go to NY-take the job transfer, and just be gone. I can start over there, and be my own person again. But is that what I want to do? I'm not going to sign any annulment or divorce papers......you can put that in stone. Why you ask? Because there is no need. I am never going to get married again....why? Because when you love someone so completely and unconditionally like I love Joshua, you can't move on and marry someone else. It doesn't work like that. It would be wrong, and I am not about to do anything else that is wrong.....not if I can help it.

Here's the thing....how pathetic am I that I am going to stick around and love on him....and wait...forever...because that is how long I have....and if he come back, with arms wide open, he'll be welcomed. I love him....more than I have ever loved anyone before. It didn't start out as that, but it grew into that after several months of prayer.....for God to take away my fears and allow me to love again. And here I am. How about that?


Well, I need to get going, but I'll be around. I am trying to post more, and share more to avoid having to answer a million questions about what happend in between. I'll get there.

Thanks for reading, and for the prayers that so many of you will offer up without being asked. I appreciate it.

Beckie