trapped in a soap opera

to sleep and never awaken

this is my wish right now. just to go to sleep and this all be over. im so tired, im so lonely, i feel so unloved. background info--tymm and i somehow managed to screw up our checking account and ended up 400 in the hole (mostly from overdraft fees) by the time we got the first notice. tymm was off work for a week because of his back and was subsequently fired (even though he had a dr note). I almost had a nervous breakdown last wed and took wed thru fri off school and work. there was no way we could pay our rent so we moved in with friends in separate houses (we had been thinking about backing up for a while--nto breaking up just kind of going back to dating for a while) and are both sleeping on couches.

basically it goes like this. he sits around curts all the time getting high, and i go to school, work and sit at leslies by myself ( i could go next door and hang out with some friends but i just havent felt like being around people that much lately). Im not sure what to do with tymm--hes so hot/cold/hot/cold. this whole thing sometimes kills me. when i do see him most of the time there are tons of ppl over there (did i mention im not much of a social butterfly at the moment?) and he is always doing something or whatever. I need some time alone with him dammit--i need to lay down with him and snuggle just for a while. i just want to feel like he misses me as much as i miss him. ive gotten to where i call him when hes asleep cause then hes the old tymm--sweet, and caring. i want that back. id rather get those things sometimes and fight like hell then to just not have anything.

oh yeah ive started counseling and will go see what meds theyre going to put me on.

he wanted me to smile today--i couldnt. i just wish hed give me something to smile about--i miss him so much and i am so confused. hes horny--im not but id be willing to have sex with him if just for the few minutes i might get to cuddle with him afterward, maybe wed both get what we wanted.

ok this is just depressing me.