It's Me (and I like 'em tall!)

why bother breathing?

Wondering whether I should waste my time breathing has been an idea running through my head quite a bit these past few days. I just don't understand life sometimes. As soon I think things couldn't be better, as you know--"the shit hits the fan". I HATE IT. (Life that is)

I thought things were going great with Allen. Who even knows now? Who knows if I'll ever talk to him again? We have a mutual friend who I thought had a "crush" on Allen, or thought he was "hot"--turns out it was a bit more than that. I called her the other night to tell her about Allen and me before she was supposed to come visit. (She didn't come visit after that.) She burdened me with information that I didn't need, and especially didn't deserve to hear. I'm not sure if her and I will ever be friends again, which is sad because we've been friends since I was in like the 7th grade. As far as Allen goes, I can hardly look at him knowing what I know. The sad thing is that he doesn't know I know, and he doesn't know that he doesn't know. I know that doesn't make sense, but trust me--it's totally FUCKED up.

I attempted to talk to Allen last night about the things I've been feeling, including the confusion. Hmmm...it needed to be done, but now I'm not quite so sure that was the best idea. We'll see. I'm still waiting for him to call, and I have a feeling that I'll be waiting for him to call for some time. Oh well. That's what I get for opening my heart, my feelings, and my life in general to someone. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but I haven't--because I'm dumb. I was really starting to fall hard for him. I hope this isn't really the end. I'd really like another chance. It also doesn't help that we have plans to go camping next weekend with a bunch of people, and it definitely don't help that we have COMMITTED plans to go to Michigan for 4 days at the end of Oct. I knew I shouldn't have made those plans; I was hesitant for this exact reason. Now my family is counting on us being there, and my brother is expecting us at his last football game of the year. Oh well--maybe I'll make Allen call and let my family down and tell him why we're not coming. (Not to mention all of my friends who are expecting to see us at the young adult retreat at Blue Water.)

Crap on this life. I hate it.

*Patiently awaits the rapture*

~KIM