what matters and why

regret

06/19/04
When I'm with you, I'm okay. It's the days when we're apart that something triggers a bad memory, or a feeling. I beat myself up every day for the way you treated me while this was going on. I replay conversations in my head where I actually conveyed verbally what might have had an effect on you. I wish I'd left. I don't know why I wasn't strong enough to go. I wish you have lost me before you got me back. You never did. I was always here, ready for a night whenever you needed me. Then, you'd go back to her and tell what a bitch your wife is. How dare you do this to me. Treat me that way, like I am nothing. And now I'm still here and you've gotten out of this with no consequences whatsoever. You get what you want. All the time. You never really suffered like you should have. I wish I would have left. And then six months later you would have realized what you lost. And then you would have really felt pain. I don't think you know what I've been through, what I still go through every day. I'm afraid I'm going to regret for the rest of my life that I didn't handle this differently. That I wasn't stronger. I can't even stay away from you long enough to figure things out for myself. I let you talk me into deciding whats best for us. How we should do things and when. I should just trust you, take your word for it. How can I do that?? I'm not ready to give my entire being to you. You never heard me when I said I needed space. I told you I wanted to spend time away, and we would end up in bed together every night. You would show up here without calling. You would push for us to spend time together, and yell at me if I chose to do something else rather than spend time with you. It's always what you want. You never heard me try to tell you I wasn't ready.