When I Die

A Few Cold, Hard Facts

To The One Who Was Once Blue And Is Now Black.
I don't think I can say this enough: I love you.

What you said are the sweetest things I've ever heard from anyone. I guess I'm still reeling out of reading your words. I'm still in a half-daze. Too much goodness, like I've said many times, can kill you.

But I won't mind dying much if this is how good good can get.

I want to say a lot of things, but this journal's not the right place.

Plus, anything I say now will only fail to tell you what I really feel like, so I'll end it, again, with this: I love you.

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I Ain't No Bloody Saint.
This one's partly in reply to a bozo's question: I'm not any different from any other guy in any other way except the deal about not jerking off.

I fantasize, I do, although I guess I don't do it as frequently as is normal. I got a pretty big imagination, so it's only normal that a small part of it's reserved for material not allowed in children's libraries.

If you're thinking I'm not looking forward to sex, you're mistaken. The only thing I'm not doing is looking out for it. Hunting for it, as some ass may say.

I've done everything--cold creams and soap and what-not--that everyone has.

It's all in the past now, but I've done it.

And though there was a little shame (as there was guilt. As it is in every guy's case) about it back then, there's none now.

Yes, I have watched my share of porn when I bumped into the land called pimplehood. Just didn't like it much after the initial attraction (seeing naked bodies/seeing what sex really is about) wore off.

I haven't downloaded a single pornographic image in all the time I've had internet access. Not because I'm a saint--as I said--but because I never had that kind of time. Don't believe me if you don't want to. I don't expect you to. Nobody does.

I got a college/studying schedule tighter than an earthworm's asshole. And what free time I do get is spent making music/writing/yapping with people--the last one is something, I understand, one of the things porn addicts don't do a lot.

I don't have my own bedroom, okay? I sleep in the same room Mom does. We have one room and a kitchen and a bathroom and a toilet. That's it.

Can you guess why I don't masturbate, now?

Cause I never had that kinda time or space. I've been lonely lots, but I've never been lonely where the only companion I've had is my hand.

Get the old driftola?

I wasn't gonna post this little bit of info in this entry, but I felt I'd do it to save any further questions headed my way.

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Prince's Musicology.
A clarification: I hate Prince and I hate Michael Jackson. But I like most of Michael Jackson's "Dangerous" album (I'm a bit like that. If something's good, I'll say it's good. Public opinion about what's 'cool' and what's not be damned). Especially the first song, "Jam". It's got that beat. Similarly, I like Prince's new song. It's got a fresh bass melody and a general live feel to it I've not seen in a while.

Besides, Prince for once looks like a man in it. No more weird lipstick lips and kohl rimmed eyes.

Go see the video if you can. It's got nice foot-tapping beats. And the bass, like I said, is jiving.

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Frailty.
Saw this movie. Must say it's a nice one. Won't give away the story because I never do. It's mostly about kids and God. That's all you're gonna get from me.

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Just to state a few cold, hard facts:
I hate pop, but I like Lene Marlin's "You Weren't There", especially the end, where the beats go out and she looks up at you. That's gorgeous, to say the least.

Tara Reid looked frigging amazing in Josie and the Pussycats. The movie, on the whole, sucks a dinosaur's skeleton ass.

I used to have a Sylvester Stallone poster once (the one from the movie Cobra). I used to imitate that pose lots. Used Dad's big goggles and pushed a toothpick up my mouth instead of a ciggie.

There's a Hindi movie you shouldn't miss: Dil Chahta Hai. It's not like other Hindi movies *winks at someone*. It's got songs, yes, but they're good songs. See it if you can. It's about friendship.

It rained here on the 7th of May. The day after Amy's birthday. It's never rained this early here. Earlier I would've thought of it as a sign, a few months back I would've thought of it as a coincidence; but right now I think of it as both. A sign and a co-incidence.

When I was a kid I once found an unoponed condom strip outside our school. I opened it and we--Max and Steve and Wally and I and Javed and Ramu--tried to fill the condom with water, thinking it was a balloon. It didn't work, but when it was as full of water as it could be, I remember thinking that it looked like a space-shuttle. Years later, I saw "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me". No further comments.

I got a mark on my left cheek (just in front of the ear) as a result of childhood chicken-pox. That was the only blister I ever had. It's left a mark the size of a fingernail, though. Don't give the FBI this information. I wanna be one of those MAD magazine spies when I grow up. If I ever do grow up, that is.

I was a disease-prone, sick kid. Used to fall ill every three days. I'm frankly surprised about how right I grew up.

I don't comb or part my hair like I said somewhere earlier. If someone from the ultra-flimsy zen groups asks me the reason why, I tell him I do it to tell the world that it's okay to let your hair down and look unkempt. The real reason is I don't give a floating fuck about it.

The Congress won the national elections in India. Everyone expected BJP to win. I don't give a damn either way. I didn't get my voting card so I didn't vote.

I think Adam Sandler is a stupid guy. Even so, I think his "Bulletproof" was a good movie.

Jack Nicholson's "Mars Attacks!" was a funny movie too. I'm one of those B-movie junkies, I guess. I laughed real hard watching Hot Shots 2 and Screwballs. Besides, I read my first MAD when I was twelve. 'Nuff said.

Ditto Hugh Grant's "About A Boy". I'm a bit partial to British movies, I guess. Just like I'm partial to British rock bands. Pink Floyd.

Some of my favorite X Files episodes, besides the final one ("The Truth"), and most of the main conspiracy story episodes, and the movie, of course: Kill Switch, Three Of A Kind, Small Potatoes, The Field Where I Died, 3, Pilot, Ghost In The Machine, Shapes, Musings Of A Cigarette Smoking Man (this one is loosely related to the main story, but I think it's still one hell of a single-episode; and I think that CSM is the real hero of the story. Why? Consider this: when heros die, stories end. CSM died in the very last episode of X Files), Heavenly Falls, Our Town, Dreamland (loosely related to main storyline. Best part: Mulder--only, he's not Mulder--standing in front of a mirror, flashing his badge and saying, "F-B-I"), Dod Kalm, and so on and so forth. If you're confused about how X Files episodes never had individual names, head over to www.themareks.com/xfiles for a in depth timeline of the whole X Files series with respective episode names.

The first story I wrote was "Chikara".

The first poem I wrote was "The Donkey".

The first song I wrote was a stupid, happy 4x4 trance track with a bassline cheesier than Jerry's dreams. I used a software called Fruityloops. I miss that software now. It had a great bassline synth--and basslines are something psychedelic trance artists need like they need water.

The song I love the most among all the ones I've composed is twenty one minutes long.

I read Lord Of The Rings upside down the first time I read it. Part three first, two second, first last; because that's the order I got them in from the library. Didn't make one bit of a difference, because Tolkien recapped the events so nicely.

I wanted the alien to kill Arnold in "Predator".

I saw "The Blue Lagoon" and daydreamed about me and Amy being stuck like Brooke and that bloke.

I've only watched two Baywatch episodes. Pamela Lee looked like she had two rabbits stuffed up her... you know. And that damn David Hasslehoff looked like he had a severe case of constipation.

When my uncle told me that monsters don't like kids who eat chocolate I believed him.

I killed a grasshopper and strung him across a stick, like Jesus. I scared the girls with it. I was nine.

I got so much hair on my legs you could make a pretty long wig out of it.

I brush twice a day.

I take a shit once a day.

I'm lazy. I'd rather laze in bed reading fiction than studying.

Caprice Bourette is one gorgeous woman, all right.

Michael Douglas's "The Game" is probably the only movie where I knew the end before I saw it and that ruined the fun. So I have a strict rule: if I haven't seen a movie and you tell me how it ends, I won't talk to you. Not ever. That is, unless you happen to be one of my brotherhood or one of the two others who know who they are. These nine people (yeah, even good old dead Guha) I'll forgive anything. Hell, there'll never be anything to forgive in the first place.

I went to an old-people's home (translation: people who've been shoved out of their homes by their kids) once with the school. Hated what I saw there. How can someone just... discard their parents? I mean, Moms and Dads can be pains in the ass, but so're you, and they've tolerated you--nay, loved you--when you were a kid. You owe them something. You owe them comfort.

I once thought Robbie Williams and Robin William were brothers.

Ditto Boy George and George Michael.

I'm a little insane. My Mom is and so's my Granny. It's called heredity.

The sky outside is so bloody wonderful as I type this.

I gotta piss.

I've never called a woman a bitch or a chick except in a story. I hope I never will.

Granny is gonna die, they say. May she rest in peace. Really. No sarcasm involved. She didn't love me; that doesn't mean she's bad. Crazy, but not bad.

I like Neve Campbell from Wild Things and Three To Tango. I'm a sucker for short hair, I think. Besides, she looks a bit... off the rocker, like I am.

I want to see Stephen King's IT. I've read it, I want to see the movie; I've heard it's the most faithful adaptation of a King book. I wanna see if it's even ten percent as good as my imagination and King's narration. I expect disappointment. Wish I could find that movie here in India. Wish I could find that book too. I gave mine to Max and the jerk lost it long ago.

I shaved my beard after two weeks. Feel cleaner than a baby's conscience right now.

My handwriting sucks ass. That's part of the reason why I don't write letters.

Been a while since I had eight continuous hours of sleep.

If I ever get the prototypical three wishes, my wishes would be as follows: Money, money for everyone who's poor (no bull shit beauty pageant false brownie point earning facades involved), and last one: A few good books that're out of print.

If I ever do have kids, I'll have two. A girl and a boy would be nice, but two boys or two girls would be just as swell. Twins would be majesitc. I'm gonna let the mother decide the name for one of them. I'll name the other. I haven't thought of the names yet. But they will not be Fox/Mulder and Dana/Scully.

I'll be stinking rich before I have kids, though. One way or the other. I want 'em to grow up the way I wanted to: spoilt ugly.

My wife, if there ever is one, will be one hell of a woman. If I give her any shit she'll kick me in the ass. If she gives me any shit... uh, she won't give me any shit.

I never was scared so fucking bad I pissed in my pants. I was scared for my life half a dozen times, yeah, but then the fear was way deep than the simple one that makes you piss.

I don't pray. Don't go to church, don't perform Namaz (the Muslim prayer), don't sing shlokas (Hindu prayers in musical verse) in front of Indian dieties.

I believe in a higher power just the same. Something that encompasses everything that governs our life: time, fate, destiny, luck, love, hate.

I believe that that higher power has a warped sense of humor, like someone told me earlier.

I believe that our lives are connected. That some souls are meant to meet. Some souls are meant to part.

I didn't believe in soul-twins, but now I do. I think I have one. You know who you are. I also believe that if I was there or you were here, I'd have shown you how much you mean to me.

I once thought America was England's northern dock.

I'd like to touch Charlize Theron's lips to see if they're really real. 'Cause they're beautiful. She's got an amazing smile, that woman. Childish and open and full of life. And like I said, I got a thing for short hair (as in The Astronaut's Wife).

During the riots my Mom had a fake birth certificate forged, proclaiming me an Indian citizen, Hindu. I never got the point, because if Hindu rioters ever did enter our house, the last thing they'd have asked for is a birth certificate. What they would've done is made me drop my pants. And when they saw my circumcised penis, well... pop goes the bubble.

My seventh Sim was a fat slob who drunk himself dead. His ghost haunted his poor wife and three kids. I think those assholes deserved it.

For the brief time when I had cablenet access, I played Team Fortress using Half Life one. And climbed to number 23 on Gamespot's servers. Quite a feat to rise from a nonety to number 23 in two weeks. I got good hand-to-eye co-ordination. And got a good sense of planning. I'm not really bragging, just stating facts.

Which is why my favorite strategy game remains Black and White. It's the only one that really used up all my mental resources. I think Railroad Tycoon was good, but once you got how to work at things, it became rote. Like studying. Another strategy game I enjoy immensly simply for its Damn-it's-fun factor is Age Of Wonders.

I've never read a Chicken Soup For The Soul book.

My favorite comic book is a special one called Batman: The Dark Knight Returns. Another favorite is "Archie: 25 years later". And MAD, of course. The best one I have has a Rambo parody in it. If you've never read MAD, now's a smashing good time to start. Just don't eat anything when you read it.

I really gotta piss.

The first music album I owned was a soppy hindi film album.

I think Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History Of Time" is the single most important science book ever writtern for a layman. Read it. You'll understand all of it. Promise.

I started using wallpapers on my computer screen three weeks back. Never used 'em before. Right now, I got a big Gollum wallpaper. I like that guy the most from LOTR.

I think everyone is at their prettiest when they're not made up in gobs of make up and gel.

The three most important manmade inventions are a) toilet paper, b) pen, c) cottonbuds.

The shittiest thing about being a guy is being a complete asshole.

The shittiest thing about being a woman is... how the hell do I know? I ain't one.

If I owned the world *winks at Pita*, I'd call myself "Me" and have three assistants called "Me's assistant number one, two, three" respectively. Those assistants would probably be huge red-bummed baboons.

If I had one last thing to do before I died, I'd do this: tell Death its shoelaces were untied; like Bill and Ted do in the movie.

I'm going to take a piss.

Take care,
---Chimp.

PS: I can't say this enough, E. So please say it along with me: We loves you, my precious.

PPS: Sometimes words can seduce you.

PPPS: Wear comfortable clothes.

PPPPS: Don't bore people with stupid Post Scripts.

PPPPPS: As above.

PPPPPPS: Just kidding.

PPPPPPPS: Stay well, everyone!