what matters and why

nothing to say

We don't have anything to say to each other. I wonder if there's been too much damage to fix what's here and now. Too many hateful words, too much time apart. I don't know why we can't talk. There is nothing to say. I am so miserable. I get this horribly defeated feeling in me when I think about us getting back together. If I took you up on your offer to come back now, I would resent you for the rest of our lives. We'd be back in the same place we were seven years ago, with me attempting to fake my own happiness. I need time more than ever right now. You need me more than ever right now. I am exhausted with our situation. I want it to be over so badly. I think if I try to help you I will let you down. I'm not what you need. I'm so angry at you to begin with for getting yourself into this mess. While I do want you to get better, there is limited sympathy available from me. How could you put your son in the car with you after when you are beyond intoxicated? How could you say those things to me and then have sex with me an hour later? I'm crying all the time. I don't think I love you anymore. Those feelings are gone, and I feel like I am hanging onto to almost nothing. I know you need me, but I've never been more ready to move on with my life. When we are on the phone, I feel like you expect me to say something, anything, to keep up the conversation. My mind is blank. I have nothing to say to you. You don't talk to me either. With her, you probably don't have that problem. Like you said she says all the right things. I've never been able to do that. How can I help you when I can't stand you right now? You get so mad at me for bringing up the last six months, but it's not as if you have changed. You still scream at me, now. I worry that every time you're angry with me, you'll run to her. Eventually, I think you will. Once again you won't get what you want from me and she'll be there. You haven't changed in six months. It's only worse. So I'm not bringing up the last six months. I'm talking about here and now. You have put me through so much. I am so tired. You have had this control over me for years, and you see that you're losing it, and that bothers you. I won't be happy if we get back together. I want my time and space.