what matters and why

searching for feeling

4/9/04
You keep looking into my eyes, as if searching for something. I want to know what it is. What are you looking for? Are you searching for a hint of a feeling that you believe is not there? You're waiting for me to say something, do something. Something specific. I don't know what. I don't know why you need whatever that is from me so badly. I think you look into my eyes in search of passion that is not there. You want me to feel things I don't feel. Say things I don't mean. We were so close tonight, yet we are still so far away. Everytime this happens, I'm disappointed. Maybe I need something in you that is not available. Maybe I need you to be someone you're not, just like you need that from me. Is it so bad that I'm happy? After everything we've been through, I'm finally happy. I'm satisfied with myself. You make me feel guilty for my happiness. I know it's not the best thing for our child if you and I are not together. But if we stay together for his sake, we're back where we started seven years ago. You cried when you see that I'm changing. I'm turning into someone I've always wanted to be. It's not that I don't need you, or don't want you. It's that independence that I never had. I need that now. I want to take time. I'm afraid that if I choose to take this time, you will jump into another life so fast, and I will be left here, still trying to figure out who I am. You will be gone if I take my time. But why can't I do that, for me? You try so hard. And you do nothing wrong. I try hard, too. I try to feel that. I wonder what it's like to lose all control and not have a care in the world. I don't know. I can't do it. Not when I'm with you. It's so tense. I feel like an enormous failure to you sexually. I'm not what you want. You need more, and I can't give that to you. It's so much pressure just to relax. But if anyone can do that for me, it's you. You know me so well. I wish I could give you what you needed. I wish that when you looked in my eyes like you did tonight you saw what it was you were looking for. You're looking for words in my eyes, words that tell you those things you need to hear that I don't say. I don't think that I know what it's like to be truly in love with someone. I am so sorry. I have tried so hard. It's so frustrating to love this life, and to love you, love who we are and what we stand for, but not feel that certain intensity that comes with a marriage. Something in me is missing. I want to love you, but I don't think that's enough. Everything's right, yet everything's wrong. Why am I so happy when we are apart? Why are you so miserable? You keep this other woman around simply because you are aware that my feelings are slowly fading. You need her in case you are alone. But you won't let her go, even after tonight. I give it a couple days, and you will be with her. And it hurts. I'm not enough. You can't be with only me. You can't stand it that soon we may not be together, ever. There won't even be that chance. You can't deal wtih my independence. You will have a very hard time when I start going out.. It makes me not even want to bother. It makes me want to just tell you, forget this whole thing, and let's go back to the way we were. But you were right when you say I was so unhappy. I was. It won't be different now. Everything has changed. You're different, I'm different.