what matters and why

who you are

1/6/04

What kind of person are you now? You have not cared about our future for a long time now. You have thought of no one but yourself for so long. We are left with a desolate financial situation and little hope for any kind of life together. Seems like all we have now is this intense desire to have sex all the time and I don’t know why. I can’t explain why I need you so much right now when four months ago I didn’t care if you came home or not. You don’t want to fix what’s wrong. You have done and said everything you can to push me away. I’m still here. I don’t know why. You even said you wonder why I’m still around. I don’t know. I can’t explain why I can’t just leave, but I can’t. I cannot make a decision that will affect the rest of my child’s life so impulsively. I can’t base those decisions on my own anger. What kind of person would I be if I just gave up? I’m scared that if I make any kind of decision now, it will be for the wrong reasons and I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret, especially when there is a child involved. To tell you the truth I don’t know why I didn’t leave back when I found out everything. Maybe I should have. Maybe it would be easier just to call it quits. After all that’s gone on, I should not still be here waiting for you to change. The thing is, we have this amazing child. I can’t live the rest of my life knowing I gave up on my son’s future. It’s not just our life, but his. Whether he says it or not, I know our relationship means the world to him. It may not be important to you but that’s what’s keeping me here. I see him hurt every day because of our decisions. He’s not the same child he was a year ago. I believe that that our child’s future is more important than anything I could imagine in my own life. I am willing to make this work for him. You can call it whatever you want. Maybe you think we shouldn’t have been together this long because of him but I do. I think that has shaped him into the person he is today. What if I never love you the way you want? Why can’t that be okay when we work so well together as parents?

I didn’t realize how unhappy you were before this all happened. You didn’t tell me. Maybe you thought you tried, but I never heard it. I really thought everything was okay. Every marriage goes through down times. You can’t expect it to be full of passion and excitement all the time. You didn’t tell me what you needed from me. Instead you lied to me for a long time. You’re right. I won’t ever trust you again. Not after something of this magnitude. You say you didn’t love her, but you liked her enough to plan a trip out of town with her, to spend weekends at hotels with her, and to even tell her you loved her. I don’t know if you did or not. I know you love me. I know it’s always been me. Maybe there are different things you love about her. You love the way she loves you. You loved her enough to spend time with her child. While we were here alone, you spent time with someone else’s child. How can you expect me not to be angry? You imagined yourself in another life. You wanted to leave us. You couldn’t even tell me why. You loved her enough to be concerned about her feelings when I spoke with her on the phone. It was more important to ease her anger after those conversations than mine. And I’m your wife. Her feelings have been more important than mine through all this. Never mind the things she told me about you, the things I found out that you’d been lying about for months. The things you told her about me, about your life. You confided in her. You built this relationship while I was sitting at home alone. But it doesn’t seem to bother you if I’m hurt or not. Maybe you shouldn’t care. I’ve told you I don’t deserve you. Maybe you don’t think I do either. It just seems like you are very concerned about her and what will happen. You have that right to feel that way. However I don’t know how long I can wait for you to get over this. And every time I get the impression she’s more important than me, it makes me want to leave that much more. Her leaving town is not going to solve our problems. I realize that. But you have done nothing to show me that you even want to start fixing our marriage. How long am I supposed to wait for you? I won’t ever trust you again. I will need to know where you are and who you’re with at all times. Funny, most marriages work that way anyway. I was just very laid back before. I will need to know who you’re calling and what you’re spending our money on. I don’t know if you can handle that. You say you need your time. You can have that. But don’t expect me to be here when you’re done.