Sarah's Life

Another sleepless night

Sometimes I wish there was a simple way to get what's stuck up in my head to go away. I want the memories to go away. I'm sick of the little flashes of memories. I'm sick of replaying in my mind all the little moments of happiness that torture me and I want them to go away. I'm tired of fearing what scenario my brain will splay across my vision as I sleep. I want it to be over with.

Him emailing me did help in some ways. I'm infinetly more settled into my relationship with Jeremy as a result. I have begun to realize that I can't blame myself for everything that went wrong in Jackson and I's relationship. He knew going into it that I disliked any kind of serious commitment. He ended up obsessive and suffocating. Interestingly enough, Jeremy started with the same information and has been amazing. He gives me my space when I need it and I love that.

And yet these memories persist. The dreams continue and I am left with yet another night that I don't want to sleep, but know that I eventually must. I still find myself brought to the point of tears by certain songs, and in the 8 months that have transpired since Jackson and I broke up, even more songs have been released which remind me to such a degree of our relationship that I find myself torn between not wanting to listen due to the emotions evoked and a desire to listen perhaps simply because I almost revel in the fact that I am able to feel that pain. I spent so many years numbed to the pain that at this point it almost feels good to be able to experience it. I'm not sure that's a good thing, but there it is. And in an even more interesting irony I find it harder to hold myself back from the knife now than when I was attempting to numb the pain. Before I cut because it made it easier to ignore the pain. Now I want to cut because it will acentuate the pain. I hold myself back now for one simple reason - I can't do that to Jeremy. I'm so sick of these lows. I'm sick of knowing that at any moment they can strike out of nowhere.

So I sit here, sleepless. "Cruel Intentions" is on the TV (fittingly) and I am typing during the commercials. It's so interesting that it is during these periods I express myself the best. Though I cannot express my thoughts in one coherent pattern, it is the only time I will sit down at the computer and be able to let my thoughts simply flow.

It was times like this that I used to want to crawl into a corner and just wait to die. I think, if not for Jeremy, that I would still feel that way. Having him takes that edge off. I'm not sure I even realize how much at times. Soon, I will force myself to sleep simply because I told him that I would. I keep the sharp and pointies away from my arm because of him. I will wake up in the morning, look at his picture and for at least a short while be able to forget about the dreams.

I find it interesting that I thought the dreams would stop. They did stop, for a while. I wanted them to stop. I don't even have coherent dreams anymore, just splashes of the memories I try so hard to repress during the day resurfacing at night. God... why won't the memories just go the fuck away? I can still see, with perfect clarity, the look on his face when I arrived in Houston for spring break... for pearl jam... all I want is for those images to go away. And yet they are still here, they still haunt me.

Well, the movie is over, and I still don't want to sleep. Isn't late night television interesting? I basically have my choice between a infomercial for a roaster, a sexual enhancement supplement, and a program on the Food channel that I've seen something like six times already. I could watch MTV After Hours, but they play a very high percentage of rap, and that is just annoying. Well, off to chat with the little sister and perhaps sleep. Though the sleep thing is looking less and less likely to happen.

Night night.




"If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King

"Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying

"What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **