Monkeys

Possibly rated R Entry

So this entry may or may not be considered rated R. I titled it that because either the people who seriously do not want to read garbage may think it is just that and avoid it, or those who like to read stuff like that will hope that it is well....stuff like that.

I want to talk about sex. Simply that. And it's my diary, so I can. :)

I guess I'll start with a definition of sex. The dictionary definition is as follows: sexual intercourse. That simple. And of course, it gave the other useage definitions, such as: one's gender, a reference to a female or male genitalia. But it is sexual intercourse of which I am speaking. So, just to be sure we are clear here, I also looked up "sexual intercourse." It said this..."Sexual union between humans involving genital contact other than vaginal penetration by the penis." There you go.

BUt one may ask what about oral sex? It is after all a form of sex, is it not? I could go into several different types of "sex." But lets stick with the basics.

Sex is simply a physical act. On the verge of being classifed as sounding cheesy, when there is pure genuine love, having sex becomes making love. Am I right? I mean, sure, there is always that "once in a while pure raw sex" and that requires a specific mood, a desire. But you should be making love, conveying love even, when you truly love the person. And if you are being that intimate with them, you ought to love them. Now, don't get me wrong. I was once a person who would have died rather than admit that she had had sex outside of marriage. Because according to the Bible, that is wrong. And I didn't want to be admitting to something that I knew was so wrong. But yes, I've had sex outside of marriage. And I have made love. While not being married. Not coming up with an excuse, rather giving a reason, when I care about someone so deeply, and love so wholly, I want to express it. Yep- I have the "101 ways to make love without actually doing it" list- I send it out every now and again to my friends. And I review it myself. But I find myself in situations where I want nothing more than to make love. Pure, time consuming, passionate love. And I've acted on it before.

Let me tell you something. I've done the act of sex, and I've made love. 2 completly different things here people. For me, sex is just about fulfilling the physical needs. Lust, desire, raw need. But making love is so different. It is about looking into the eyes of the person you love, and expressing it without ever touching them. Laying with someone you care about, feeling the beat of their heart somewhere on you, and knowing that you can make that steady beat jump or slow. It is about really connecting with that person. And you have to know that you love them, yes. But you also have to know that they love you as equally as you love them. Love can be a tricky thing...because you can love something about someone, something they do,you can love someone in a way that is not what it takes for a lifetime, or you can love someone wholly and unconditionally. But you've got nothing if they don't give it back. And by the way, you should love this person wholly and unconditionally...just as they should you.

You cannot just jump into a bed, and give something so personal and private to someone and never think about it again. If you think you can, let me tell you something. I gave my virignity to someone a long while ago. When I met Joshua, I was already tainted so to say. And when I first met it, it didn't matter to me that I wasn't pure for him. I had no idea that God would lead us to be married. Believe me...I had no idea. The more time I spent with him, the more I realized I love him, and the more we became friends, the more guilty I felt about not being pure for him. I seriously regret ever loving someone else....because I truly want Joshua to be my first everything. BUt I didn't wait for him. I jumped that gun.

He's a good guy, and he has given of himself so wholly (except during Angel on Wednesdays) to me. He has made sacrafices that I know have hurt him....for me. I wish I had something to give back. And you know what really gets me? He doesn't hold it against me. He loves me for who I am. Not who I once was, nor who I can be. Just me. Now.

I want to make love to him, with him and for him for the rest of my life. Not have sex.....it's nothing without the emotion. But just love him.

You know, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish that some of my friends could have my hindsight....because I know some of them that have already begun the process, and will regret it later, and there are others who could easily fall into it.

Okay, well I am done talking about sex for now. Just something that has been on my mind, that I am not ashamed to talk about at all.

Standing proud for what she believes in,
Bek