Life Within the Gilded Cage

Dear Janet

I just got off the phone with you.

Why do I have this feeling that you no longer have any time for me? I understand that you have swim lessons, and school projects to work on, but I’m coming to the realization that I’m only a small part of your life.

When you needed support from me, I tried to be there for you. Right now, I need you, and you’re not here.

I took off work Friday so that we could spend the day together. I thought if you came by in the morning that we could spend some time snuggling together. Obviously it’s not important to you.

When I asked you if you wanted me to come to the Bluestar, you said, “It doesn’t matter.” That tells me a lot. Your feelings don’t run as deep as I thought. If you cared more deeply you’d use what opportunities we have to see each other. You didn’t.

Maybe I’m being overly sensitive. Or maybe I’m just coming to my senses. I’m only a small fraction of your life. I thought I was more.

What I thought would be a morning in bed together, a fun time in the mall together, lunch, and a movie – is now just lunch. I no longer fit in your busy life.

Janet, I’m sorry, but I want more, and if I can’t find it with you, then maybe I need to summon the strength to move on with my life. In my dream world fantasies you leave your husband, and we live happily ever after.

Maybe the way to get over you, is simply to wake up, and face reality. I’m not the most important person in your life, and never will be. I’m someone you run to when you need a listening ear, a supportive shoulder or some loving. That’s it. There will never be any Christmas’s spent together. No vacations together. No breakfasts. No holidays. No mornings waking up beside one another.

Instead I sit here on the sidelines, feeling like a fool. I’m in love with someone who squeezes me in between school projects and cooking dinner for her husband.

After the movie, when we were at my house, sitting on the couch, and you glanced at your watch… it reminded me of something. It reminded me of turning a trick with a married man, nervously looking at his watch, thinking not of me, but of returning to his wife. When you did that, time no longer stood still for me. I felt used, like a whore.

Though we have shared great love, it’s not the “true” love that I thought. True love conquers all. True lovers always find a way to be together. We can’t even find a way to spend a day together.

I need some time apart. Being away from you is going to rip my heart out, but I just don’t know what else to do. I want a love that’s real. I want a love that I can come home to. I want a love that I don’t have to hide. I want a love that I can rejoice in. Maybe I’ll never find it, but while I’m sitting on the sidelines waiting for you, my heart will never be open to another. I have no doubts that I may end up alone the rest of my days, but I’m starting to think that will it be a lot less painful than loving a woman that sleeps with another man every night.

I’m sorry this is all very depressing, but these are my thoughts right now. I’m hurting really bad, and I just can’t stand the pain any longer.

Once I told you that I would never give up on you. You could get angry with me. You could give me the silent treatment. You could cry and tell me to go away – but I never did. I never gave up on you. I had this naïve, idiotic notion that all I had to do was love you, and you love me, and everything would work out fine.

Well, it’s not working.

Steffie


[Author's Note: After writing this letter of frustraton - which was never mailed - Janet spent the next day with me. It's amazing how even just an hour of love-making can melt away all my fears and tensions. Life is once again good... for now.]