Monkeys

Biggie size please

Today, I went to church. No big suprise there, as it is Sunday. But today, I went to a different church, where there was a guest speaker. This speaker spoke of a topic that really touched my heart. He spoke of how just 12 days ago, he and his wife visited the country of China. Not just a vacation though. They went there to pick up their newborn child of which they were adopting. He spoke of how the woman who was handling the case handed this precious baby to him and introduced him to his new daughter.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have done nothing but want a baby for my entire life. When all else failed, I just wanted a baby. Other people my age, and even older, feel that they are not ready for a baby. They are scared to take another's life into their hands. And rightfully so. A baby is a bundle of helplessness that you recieve as a gift from God. This gift is only yours to teach, love and train. This baby needs a lot of love, care, and togetherness. Togetherness of mom, dad, and siblings (if that applies).

And today, hearing this man speak about the love he has for this daughter of his spoke to me and to my heart. It broke my heart. You can't imagine, unless you've been there right along with me, how much it broke my heart. To know that someone is getting to share the love that they have with such a precious gift. It is awesome indeed. And, to an extent, I am selfish. It breaks my heart to know that by the time I am remarried, and have a child, it will be at least 3 years. My wanting to remarry has nothing to do with the prospect of having a child. If I really wanted to get married just so I can have a baby, I would just have a baby, and not have to hassel of getting married. This I know. It wouldn't be that hard you know. But I love Joshua, and I want to have his baby. I want us to raise a child together, in a God centered home.

It is just always hard when people have a baby, and I have to longingly look from afar, because if I was close enough, that new parent, or soon to be parent could see my tears. More power to them, and I hope that the new child will have a wonderful life, and that the parents will enjoy their child. I just want a couple to enjoy.


I don't know. I guess I am just having a "moment". I think I need some "me" time.