Sarah's Life

Ravens

Dear Someone,

I've written dozens of letters I can't bring myself to send. I don't know why I write him these letters. I think I'm trying to be honest but I know the words would just sound like lies to him. I'm starting to realize that I am ready to let go, but I fear that if I do I'm giving up my chance to really apologize. Not that I'm convinced he'd even listen to any attempt I made, but at least I could try.

The ravens are all around campus again. I saw them today playing int he field between the apartments and the union. I stood and watched them for nearly ten minutes. For the first time I didn't feel that stab of paoin that accompanies the memories. I regretted that he was missing the sight. I couldn't help but take a long look around and think, "Look at wehre I live. I'm surrounded by all this beauty and he's missing it." I'd feel sorry for him, but it was his choice. I think I would really laugh if I decided to transfer (as I've so often contemplated), because then he would really be missing out for no reason. Life is tricky that way.

I don't know why I'm so determined to apologize. I was honest with him 6 months ago (without mentioning that I'd already been with Jeremy for a week - no point in adding insult to injury). I was sorry, I said so, and he rejectged it. I don't really blame him, but oh well. Time to embrace the beatuy that surrounds me in every aspect of life. With any luck he can find the same. I don't really need to apologize any more. I tried.

I guess this is what it feels like to really let go and start with a clean slate. No more watching the ravens play with pain in my heart. No more monitoring his blog in the hopes that one day he'll decide to update it again. No more wondering if everything is alright with him. Either it is or it isn't, and it's not like I could really change any of that even if I wanted to. Life is supposed to be beautiful. It isn't supposed to be spent wondering and worrying and thinking about things you can't help.

So here's to the beauty,
Sarah




"If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King

"Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying

"What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

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