Sarah's Life

Dear...

Dear someone,

I'm not sure what to understand anymore. I'm not sure if anything I do anymore is what I'm supposed to be doing or if it is any way right. I guess that all rests on what you believe is right. All I know is that I think I did the right thing, but that over 5 months later it still hurts. I still have those moments when memories will float through my head... how it felt when I walked into the baggage claim and saw him... what it felt like when he would come and wake me up over spring break... what it felt like when I was driving up to his grandparents house the first day of christmas break. When will these memories cease to hurt? When will that little voice at the back of my head that refuses to shut up stop saying that maybe, just maybe, I did the wrong thing? What could I have done? I knew everything was falling down the drain and that nothing was what I thought it was. Maybe I still like the person I was trying to be when I was around him. Maybe I liked the more sedate version of me, the version of me that was alot easier to live with. I still can't at myself in the mirror without some kind of distaste at knowing what I did. I wish I could know if he's moved on. Maybe that would help. Maybe if I knew, then that part of me that says I should give up and just crawl back to him... I HATE THAT PART OF ME. I hate being so torn when I know in every fiber that I belong with Jeremy, that I could never hurt him and that... I could never leave him. Even the idea of doing that to him hurts me in ways that this doesn't. I just want that pain to go away. I want to be able to like myself again. and I'm seriously, wondering if that will ever happen.

FUCK it all,
Sarah


"If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King

"Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying

"What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

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