Alternate Worlds Explored Archive b/j

9/6 : Destiny and time/ What do You Hate Most?

Questions for September 6th:


If you could have one superpower, what would it be, why, and how would you use it?

(Don't forget the reasons behind your decisions!)

To Weave Destiny and time

I have always been fascinated with the possibility of parallel dimension and time. I enjoy reading alternate history or of bazaar worlds and societies living in the same space as myself but unseen and unaware because of a fraction of difference in dimensional space. With the concept of dimensions anything imaginable both horrible and wonderful is possible. For my super power I wish to have the ability to see and travel through the dimension barriers. I would love to travel the world and see it through the miriade complexities of an eternity of possibilities. But I do not want the power to change anything that I see in other dimensions. To be able to change or influence what happens in all dimensional space would be a form of tyranny. The temptation to change all timelines and existances to fit my model of what is right and wrong would be too great. I do not wish to have that kind of power. I just wish to be an observer and recorder of the infinite. If I were to have any power to influence or change any dimension, let it be the one I was originally born in, and then my influence cannot be any greater then anyone else who calls this dimension of existance their Universe.



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If you had to pick the most difficult question you could be asked, what would it be? Would you, or how would you answer it?

(Don't forget the reasons behind your decisions!)

Just what is it that you hate most about yourself?

I am not sure just what the most difficult question for me would be, well not right away. Ten, twenty and thirty years ago any question regarding my experiences of abuse would have met with evasive resistance or outright denial. But during the last four years I have been open to revealing my past pain. I have been participating in my own healing from these wounds and in order to do that I've had to be candid if not blunt about what I've lived through, as well as what I have done. So, though questions regarding my skeletons in the attic still hurt to answer, I accept the discomfort and answer as best and has honest as I can.

In many ways, I suppose the most difficult to answer does not mean impossible to answer. In which case, except for the potential most difficult question I have not yet been confronted with, I guess direct questions regarding the abuses I have committed are still the hardest for me to answer. My first instinct is a very typical one of trying to minimize what I did or to make excuses. But then my conscience kicks in and the denial, the excuses, and the blame for abusing my children is replaced with ownership of the deeds. Yes, I did it. No, I cannot ever undo what I've done.

By my actions I have destroyed the trust that will never be regained between myself and my children. I stole their innocence and innocence once taken away can never be given back again. My kids are adults now and they tell me I'm too hard on myself. But I can see the damage done. My children all have self-esteem issues and trust issues that plague all their relationships. My children have been in and out of psychological and behavioral counseling and still struggle with applying the concepts of security and happiness in their lives.

And even after recognizing and admitting to behaviors that have forced my children to repeat many of the same struggles I've had to deal with, I am still an abusive person. I'm quick to temper and quick to lash out. I've been through anger management (more than once throughout my life) and sometimes I am able to employ the techniques I've been taught. But I still have moments when the techniques are forgotten or ignored and I'm the monster I try to keep hidden.

When was the last time I was inappropriate with my anger?

This question fuels extreme embarrassment for me. My answer has to be when my boss was helping me in the kitchen yesterday (9/19/03) and she had to tell me to slow down and calm down.

But the question that fuels my shame and denial response is, How often have you abused your kids?

Another question which hits deep is, After you took steps to protect your children from yourself, what steps did you take to stop abusing other children?

These are the most difficult questions for me to confront. After my initial reflex to deny, place blame or minimize, I am left with the cold hard fact that I and I alone am responsible for my actions and my deeds. I always have a choice, no matter the situation. Given this truth, then it was my choice not to stop myself from beating my children when I was enraged. It was my choice to ignore the danger signs of my growing anger and it was my choice not to take appropriate steps to avoid those situations where I feel out of control.

And whenever and wherever I allow my temper to get the best of me, it was my choice. No matter how often I try to claim I couldn't control it, somewhere along the line there was an opportunity to take the step that would have defused my anger before it ignited and exploded. When I depend on someone else to act as my external monitor (ie. my boss yesterday) rather than take responsibility and act as my own internal monitor, I will continue to be an abusive person.

I am by choice either my worst enemy or my best friend. Lately, I have become my worst enemy. I have sabotaged myself and my life to the point where I am alone and estranged from anyone who has dared to try and love me. I have no one to blame but myself. Now I need to figure out how to befriend myself and stop punishing myself for things long past and which cannot ever be changed.

As usual, when I delve into this topic of what I hate most about myself, I close down cognitively and physically. I need to sleep now. I'm suddenly very tired.



Take care and may your road lead to only good places.

Deb

Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.

Alternate Worlds Explored Archive b/j  (13+) a fun journal for breaking through writers block #324362 by DyrHearte writes

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