what matters and why

the junk drawer

8/10/03

I don't think I know who you are anymore. There is nothing that I can say that I think you'll be interested in hearing. I try so hard to keep a conversation going and in response I get one word answerrs and a lack of interest in anything I'm doing. I talk just to talk and feel like I am almost saying nothing. It's all about you now. How well you're doing in all aspects. You're not here when I wake up and rarely when I go to bed. And when you are here I wish you weren't because it's easier to be alone now. And I've lost interest in everything else. I'm just going through the motions when for a while I was doing so well. I thought everything was fixed and I would not feel like this anymore. I can only wonder what it would have been like had our lives not taken this path. Would I be a different person, not so withdrawn and unemotional? Would I be someone people would actually be around. I wonder if what I did choose sucked all the life out of me and now there's nothing left. I can't even answer when you ask what's wrong. Because really there shouldn't be anything wrong. I should appreciate everything that's been given to me. And that I have this perfect set up a great kid and hardly any responsibility. Everything is taken care of for me. I don't need to do anything. But I still don't know you anymore. When I need you you're not there. Like what I'm doing is not important. On the one night I need you to be home, it's more important to go out for a beer. Not only is the family I married into unbearably suffocating, but now I'm suffocated here. I can't even explain why or what it is tat makes me wonder what it is that makes me wonder what if? What if things had not turned out this way? I'm in trouble for spending money when there's a four hundred dollar check laying around that you can't explain. I don't think I do a good job managing the finances so I don't bother but then I feel like a child when this comes up.

You want to talk and I have nothing to say. All these little things that I never said just added up and now it's to the point where I don't know how to talk about it. Would it be better if I said it right then and there and then I would be someone who is always complaining. In my attempt to try not to be that, I keep my mouth shut. I spend all week not saying a word about this and that and you complain because there's junk in the junk drawer. I will never be the kind of person who is organized in all aspects. Who has dinner on the table at six, all the laundry done and kids in bed on time. It will be amazing if the dishes are even finished in one day. I don't enjoy taking care of things at home and so many times I wonder what it would be like if I could have a normal job and spend my day talking to adults rather than a five year old. I wish I could justify spending the money on child care to do my own thing but I can't. So here I am. No child on the way and nothing left. I was so excited aout this new oppurtunity to teach and make extra money and now I don't care. I've lost any motivation to do anything. I just want something different. What if I told you the truth...that I sometimes I think I made a mistake, that I want out. That more often than not I find myself crying for no reason. And you want an answer. I can't tell you why.