Sarah's Life

Dreamscape.

I can't write anymore. I sit down and all that goes through my head are the typical rants of life. I try to organize them into something coherent, meaningful... anything... and all they are is a jumble of words. Everything in my head is still in so much chaos... I don't know where to begin... I don't know if there is to be a beginning. I looked in my writing notebook the other day and it hit me that I hadn't put pen to paper since I broke up with Jackson.

I don't sleep anymore. I wait until I am too exhausted to keep my eyes open, and then I'll sleep for a few hours. When people ask me how much sleep I got I'll give them my typical response from months ago, but the truth is I havn't slept in about a month. A few hours here and there... The dreams are getting to me. Flashes of what could have been... any number of "could have beens". Anthony pointed out to me that I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't follow my heart... if I didn't act on instinct. But I'm sick of the pain that causes people when I act. I've gotten very good at hurting people these past few years. Hell, if there was an award, I'd probably have it.

I hate that I still care. I hate that I still care about everyone. Even the ones I have every fucking right to hate. But I hate that I still want Jackson in my life when I know that is the last thing he needs. I need to just pull away, make him think I don't care, but I do. It will be easier if I don't, if I'm just the heartless bitch he made the mistake of caring about in the first place as he moves on and finds someone much much better than me. I never deserved him. Of course, naturally, I really don't feel that I deserve anything good. I always told him he deserved better. Perhaps now he'll reach out and get it.

I say all of this and still the dreams persist. I'm so tired of the dreams. I am so tired of being somewhere public and thinking I hear him calling my name. I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of dreaming about running into him years from now and being unsure what to say. I'm sick of listening to Stabbing Westward and having all their lyrics make sense. I'd crawl into a hole somewhere and just let everyone forget about me, but I think people now would actually look for me.

If only they'd realize I'm not worth it.

So I think I'm crawling into the hole in my mind again. Sequestering myself so I don't think about anything at all, really. Jeremy can make me smile. But even his power to do that only goes so far. Perhaps when I move these memories will quit haunting me. Of course, then I'll still have this knowledge that Jackson was supposed to be at Western with me.

I'm starting to see what he means when he calls this the neverending summer. It will be worse now that I don't have work. Work got me through the day, kept me moving. It forced me to sleep, because I did need to be able to think, act, have reflexes, etc. Now there is no real reason to sleep anymore.

Why am I typing all of this out? I've been writing it over and over and over again in my notebook, if only to acutally have something there, so it's not like I'm decompressing. Something new comes out every time, I guess, but it's really just bitching.

~SJK