trapped in a soap opera

today was a doozy--sort of--yeah it was

well to start this off im going to take a shot, dont think my stomach is going to like me much for it--hasnt been lately, but who fuckin cares.

anyway, been having to call perk out on a lot of shit lately, he wants everything to go back to the way it is now that hes broken up with tina, but it just isnt happening. why, after all the time that hes practically ignored me and everyone else, does he expect us to just drop everything, just cause hes ready to hang out again. dont get me wrong i still love him, but thats just bullshit and ive told him so.

anyway on to the man of the moment--miah. we talked tonight, kinda worked through the whole messing around while he has a girlfriend thing. Ok so i havent written in a while, but weve screwed around a little. mostly him sucking on my fingers or barely kissing me, fingering me over my panties, stuff like that. i think he just likes to mess with me. anyway we talked about all that, about our relationship. pretty much what was said was that unless hes not with his g/f (which ironically was asleep in his bed while we were talking) then we need to refrain from the sexual stuff. kinda what was said and unsaid was that if we hooked up it would be serious, and neither of us is ready for that kinda thing right now. like really serious. im still welcome to sleep at his house, he said he really likes it cause (at least for a while) it was like sleeping over at your best friends house. wed just talk and bullshit then go to sleep. me rubbing his back and us playing with each others hair and shit is still ok, but kissing (however minimal) and some of the shit that has been going on is out. he also said that he didnt want to hook up cause if it didnt work, then we still hang out with the same people and he didnt want to fuck that up, cause it would be weird me hanging out there all the time if we broke up.. i reminded him i was going to school this semester. he also said he wanted to get to know me more first and stuff, and that he would try to come see me at Jonesboro--i hope. its kinda of a example of my schitzophrenic personality (no im ot really but sometimes it seems that way) but i am cool with just being his friend, but at the same time im obsessed with him. every time i leave i cant wait to see him again. i wish i was with him right now. but carries sleeping with him. he had sex with her tonight--he tells me this cause thats just the way i am, if im someones friend first then thats the way it is. i just dont understand--even thouh i know what the deal is now, and i know its not the right timing (again) its just weird when shes there, cause im used to being able to mess around with him, just bein goofiy and shit and when shes there neither of us knows how to act. ok enough about this, anyway.


ok someone you havent heard about in a while, and this is nto a good thing about them. sorry my typing is so bad, hopefully you can figure out what im saying but ive been drinking so deal with it. anyway i come home this morning and mom says some woman called and just left her name and number and nothing else. so i called, its the health dept. says they got the lab results back fromt eh tests i had done the other day and that i have the clap again. (i had it back in 2000) well unlike the last tiem when i was a little ho i know who it was this time--gary. perk had it too, he wasnt goign to tell me, but after i asked him he did. the doctor originally thought it was a prostate infection but that turned out to be what it was. he thought it was from amy but after i told him, we figured otu i got it from gary and gave it to him, cuase i didnt sleep with him after he was with amy. so that was my exciting day, had to take some antibiotics yay, anyway i guess i should be glad it wasnt something else. ill just let gary keep it maybe itll really fuck him up cause hes an ass. by the way we dont really get along anymore, after the trip to joneboro i started wondering what i ever saw in him. but thats the only thing that could have happened cause perk and i were clean before that. anyway whatever, Jeremiah wanted me to tell him what the phone call was about cause i told him about my mom being nosy. after i called she was like "what was it all about" i told her that if it was her business then the lady would have told her why she called in the first place and mom got mad. not that i wouldnt ever tell miah, but just didnt want to tell him now, it is curable, so it would just be one of those "one of those days" confessionals should things work out. not something he has to knwo unless he wants to have sex in the next few weeks.

today is Seans 5th birthday--ok well it was its late so technically its the 6th now. but anyway, were having a party on sat.

had some cool dreams today, had one about miah, and woke up about to an orgasm, then had one about pizza and woke up and ate pizza.

im back to stripping for a few weeks just until school starts. a lot different from what im used ot but its ok..was supposed to go to work tonight but stacy apparently didnt go so neither did i. if she doesnt show up tommorrow to give me a ride then i guess ill drive myself.. cant do that every day though so hopefully shes there. anyway i think this is LOOOONG enough so im going to go pee and smoke (a lil FYI) and go to bed. laters