Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

07-20-03

Yeah I'm still here. Sometimes I just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

I talked to JC yesterday. It was so good to hear his voice. I love him so much and miss him horribly. He's gonna be down later this week. Maybe that will break this mood I am in. I hope so. I really don't want to be like this when he is here and bring him down. He is so worried about me too. I didn't mean to make him or anyone else worry about me. I've just been in a Deep Blue Funk.

I am worried about BOH. It has oficially been way too long since I've talked/chat with him. Despite that, I hear that that he is feeling similar, also. I guess my mood is contagious. God, I am so sorry. The last thing I want is for him to feel as bad as I do. :'(
I do have some relief, though. I listen to the answering machine, with some old messages that he left at one time and it brings a smile to my face. He just has that eefect on people. Unless you've experienced it, I don't expect anyone to understand what I mean. Just take my word for it. :)

Wow, I just realized, it's been about a year since JMC and BOH met. (online that is). Which means I am just a few days maybe a week at most, from knowing him for a year, also. I look back on this last year and all the s**t that has happened. BOH helped me through alot of really really bad times. JMC's surgery, JVH's death.(My god I can't beleve it's been almost a year.) JMC's encounter with an a**hole, all of which help contribute to his breakdown, though not the root of it. And through all of that there were good times, too. LOL one time that stands out was right after JMC got sick, He was on some meds that were really putting him the loop and BOH was literally talking to JMC via computer and singing to him, JMC was freaking out a bit and saying he was hearing an angel and such. :) It was a funny moment in a serious time. Through all of the pain, tears, joys and laughs, BOH has always been there. And for that I owe him so much, more than I could ever repay him.

JC and I have been seing each other for two years, now. :) He's been another rock that I have leaned on. He helped so much through all of those times, also. He feels bad for not being here through them and not being as available as he says he "should have been." But hell, he's working full time and plus going to classes and all that. He has been an enormous help and huge positive impact on my life.

Wow, I don't know why I brought all that up but whatever the case, it has put a smile on my face. I have so truly blessed with some wonderful people in my life. What I did to deserve them, I'll never know but I am not going to complain. If any of you are reading this, I love you guys and thank you so much for everything. And "thanks" seems so minute when I think of all the joy that you have brought to my life.

Well, I'll close this one for now. Have great day all.