Alternate Worlds Explored Archive b/j

7/13: Soulless // Mountain Home AFB

If you had to sell your soul for one thing, what would it be?

(07-19-03) I have to think about this one...

(07-21-03) Okay I thought about it... I wanted to write something light and silly, but that isn't my world right now.

Since the possession of one's soul is a very personal thing, this concept of selling it seems rather strange to me. For a better part of my life I would tell you I had lost my soul somewhere along the line, only to discover that it wasn't lost it was just out of my reach for awhile. It was in hiding. Or maybe a better way to put it, I had denied myself access to it because I felt undeserving as it's caretaker. When my soul and I were incommunicado I lived in a void and nothing seemed to touch me in a satisfying way. I achieved or I failed and I didn't care either way. Life was easier for me if I managed to achieve, but failure didn't take away the joy of achievement since there was no joy in my life.

My life wasn't smooth as I wavered from unfeeling to angry to sad. My life always felt beyond my control no matter what choices I made; I was never satisfied with the result. Disillusionment was my constant state of perception. I think if I were to sell my soul this is the place within myself I would return to for the rest of my existance, not just here on this plane but beyond. There would be no inkling of hope, because I would know for certain I was soulless.


So in order to choose what to sell it for, I would have to consider the price to be worth the prize. Of course, this is if I neglect to consider other options. I am in an emotional funk these days and sometimes it takes me time to realize there most always are other options.

What if I was approached and it wasn't Satan or his ilk who demanded my soul? What if it was instead a Heavenly power? Would I then be in the same state of existance as I was when I felt merely disconnected from my soul? When one is touched by the evils of the world, it is difficult to think that only evil would wish one's soul.

So now I pursue the question, if I had to sale my soul and it was a power of good and not evil who came to collect, what would I want in return? I wouldn't consider material things like riches, or faithful and loving companions, though I have wished for these things enough throughout my life. These things are trite and cliche'. Good health and long life would seem like torture without a soul, even if sold to a power of good. (Would I still feel adrift and forever unhappy even if I sold my soul to God? I'm thinking yes, because I would no longer be in possession of it. Without a soul, would I still be able to practice free will over my existance?) So what prize would I consider to come close to compensating for the loss?

Off hand I cannot think of anything. So if I had to sell my soul; if there were no other choice given to me either by a power of good or evil; I would choose to be completely annihilated. I would not wish to exist anywhere for any length of time without my soul.

My life was bad enough when I thought I had lost it.





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Mountain Home AFB

If you could undo one sexual encounter in your life so that it never happened, which one would it be?

1976 Mtn. Home AFB with AMN McKinney.

I was in the thriving metropolis of Mountain Home, Idaho when I found myself stranded at a New Year's Eve party. The gal I'd gone with decided to leave with a guy and I was without a ride. No biggy, I thought. There were a lot of AMN from the base I knew there and I knew I could get a ride easily enough. But why I chose Amn McKinney I have no clue. Maybe, because I was drunk off my ass and he was the one who picked me up and asked if I was hurt when I fell. (Yes, I was smashed.) I worked with AMN McKinney in Blue Section. We were both crew chiefs on the F-111F fighter jets. We were often paired up to work on the aircraft together and he was always trying to convince me to try him on for size. It was our standard interaction. I always said no and he would say "You don't know what you are missing." And my comment was usually "That's okay, I prefer staying naive."

The truth being I wasn't consistantly sexually active and I didn't intend on becoming so. I think this made me a challenge for more than one guy and McKinney was the one with the opportunity to take advantage.

So back to the party.. I was drunk enough it was dangerous for me to walk without assistance. McKinney offered me a ride to the base when I was more than ready to get to my dorm room and sleep it off. It was about a 12 mile drive from the party to the base, well, without the detour it would have been 12 miles.

Yes, Mckinney took advantage of my drunkenness. No, he didn't date rape me. Actually, he pissed me off and I told him to put up or forever shut up. It was a hell of a night for McKinney, the only thing I really remember about the whole experience was when I said, "What do you mean you can't do it again? I thought you said you were a stud?"

By that time the dawn was near and I was quite sober. I was also very angry with myself for acting out of anger instead of common sense. I was also wondering what the hell I was trying to prove since I had pretty much closed myself off and not enjoyed very much of the activities.

One advantage from the detour from the base was that McKinney stopped propositioning me when we worked together. I tried him on for size and he couldn't meet the demand so the topic changed to more professional dialogue. We actually became better friends afterwards, if that makes sense.

So why would I undo this particular sexual encounter? The motivation was all wrong and my feelings of self worth pretty much plummetted to an all time low afterwards. The whole encounter would have been better to never have happened. That encounter lead to a series of situations that blossomed out of my control over the next three months. It pretty well capped the self lie I perpetuated for during that time of my life. Having casual sex with men meant that I wasn't homosexual. It was very important for me to prove to myself I was straight. I mentioned that I wasn't consistantly sexually active during this time. That also meant I was not taking any form of contraceptive, nor did McKinney and I practice any form of safe sex. (In 1976 we were pretty naive about the bad things that could result from a random sexual encounter.) Also it has taken me a third of my life to resolve my guilt and shame resulting from this particular one night stand.

Yea, New Years 1976 Mtn. Home AFB with AMN McKinney is the one single sexual encounter I would most definately undo into nonexistance.

Take care and may your road lead to only good places.

Deb

Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.

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