The Very Secret Diary of Circe

I Will Not Hate.

I don't hate my step-father anymore.

I don't know when it happened really. But suddenly I just realised I didn't. I've hated him for so long that I hardly even knew what it was like not to. I can think of him and everything he did without feeling the need to run or cry. I no longer fear him. I no longer even think 'You're dead! You got what you fucking deserved!'

I can think of the name 'Tom' now and it doesn't have nasty associations for me. I can even say that name out loud (something I held myself back from do for so long.) and I wonder what brought about this change? Did something just click in me? Or has it been a slow process?

Although, even as I write this I get that twisted, sick feeling in my stomach. There's no hate there though, it's something different. What? Even though I dread to write it, it may be fear. Fear of what I'm not sure. He's gone- he can't touch me. He can't ever come near me. And yet why does thinking on him make my hands shake and my body tense? Will it always be this way? I thought losing the hate might free me from that but apparently not.

I haven't said his name out-loud for a very long time. I'm not even sure if I can. I'm sure as hell not going to try. I don't need the thought of him infecting my room.

Alright, if you can hear me whether you are -I assume hell- Here's what I have to say:

I don't hate you anymore. You're not worth it. How does that make you feel? No scratch that- I don't care how you feel. You never thought of me, so why should I think of you. You made my life hell even after you were dead. You have been the only person in my life who I've hated enough to kill. And I would have too. I was too young then but if you were still alive no, I'd do it. I'd kill you.

You were the only person in my life I was every scared of. I HATE that you could make me feel like that. I hate that you had the power to make me feel too small and worthless and I wonder how many of the things I feel everyday now are because of you? Did you beat into me my feelings of worthlessness? My anger? My distrust? Probably, but I won't dwell on it. You're gone and I won't let you destroy me any longer.

That's it. That's all I have to say. When I finish writing this you will be gone. I don't want to ever have to think of you again. I'm too strong to be broken by you.

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