trapped in a soap opera

fed up--read at your own risk

Well I'm sittin here writing this in word--ill transfer it to my journal later. Waitin for the other asshole to call me back--yeah right like that’s going to happen. Got my "fuck em all" play list going. Wish I had a drink. Perk just called and was like what's wrong. The same thing that’s been wrong for a while cept I've had alcohol to hide it. I know it's all in my head, but I fell like I've been left behind. Not to mention all the pseudo friends I thought I had--perk and Gary used to be like "hey come do this with me, go with me to visit so and so" whatever. Now I have to ask if I want to go and that even doesn’t work most of the time. Gary is visiting his old roommates tonight--ill get into sat night in a few. Perk just called and said he's going to little rock with Greg. After helping Greg get Ashley moved yesterday, and spending the night in little rock cause he had a dentists appt this morning. Yeah whatever that’s what Greg has a fucking fiancée for. He didn’t say why they were going, pretty much for the hell of it is what he said. Well what about his fucking best friend at home who really needs him to hold and talk to. Well I guess shooting the shit on a trip to little rock and back is more important. On to Gary and sat night. I don’t know what it is with Gary, I know he's just talking shit, but for some reason I feel this need when I'm around him to prove myself. That I'm not just some pushover that does the whole "jump" "how high" kinda shit. Ill do anything for my friends but I don’t want him thinking that he has the upper hand in this. It's hard to explain. Well sat night I went out to the moose--hadn't talked to him all day, he was out there. Well I decided since I wasn’t at all with him (he didn’t call we didn’t go together) that I didn’t have to talk to him or sit with him. I did some but I kept taking off. I decided that I was going to be a badass or whatever like he thinks he is (in fun--most of the time sometimes he really thinks it) anyway to make a long story short I was drinking and was a lil bit mean to him. I was kind of talking shit while he was playing pool (about his pool skills), then he grabbed my arm playfully and I was [playfully trying to smack his chin (which we were doing on thurs) and he was ducking out of the way--but trying to reach him--I did and actually smacked him harder than I meant to. Pretty much I was just mean to him after that. It would be too long to get into. So I may have fucked that up, though he had been kinda too busy for me lately anyway. Not that I wanted to be with him forever, but he's a lot of fun to be with and takes my mind off of shit. Goddamn why can't I just keep even a friend. Yeah I'm hard to deal with at times, but so are they dammit. I let Gary's drunken assholeness go that weekend I spent with him, and he was a hell of a lot more of an asshole than I was. But it always works that way, I let shit go, then ppl hold the same kind of shit against me. I give up on this shit. I wish I could be a loner, but I'm not, I need friends, even the shitty ones I've got at the moment. Everyone's too busy for me, and instead of inviting me to the less important things--they go do whatever and I sit at home by myself, or go out by myself. Great friends I have here. Seems like every time I have a bout of depression, my "friends" are too busy or are nowhere to be found. Not that id go to Gary anyway, but I've canceled plans to be with perk.. When I need him he just makes bullshit ones. He says he's going to come by when he gets home but its going to be late--not that I care, but I feel like just telling him not to bother. I'm tired of being the last on the list. I think I might, but then ill give in. Maybe I could just make a week of being an ass to everyone. Doesn’t matter if I am or not, they're still not going to be around so what's the difference?

LATER: ok so heres the story--went to the liquor storewas going to call perk and give him a piece of my mind first, but made the mistake of calling gary to tell him in case he was actually going to call me back that i wouldnt be home. well he was like--i was going to ask you to come over here--why dont you go to the liquor store and well drink together (he had some whiskey left over) well i went to his house, neither of us drank--i kind of got in a better mood left about 12, cause he was about to fall asleep. well got home was going to call perk and tell him that it was ok to come over (because i had cooled off some) well i call and hes playing pool or something says greg wants to go to a bar after whatever the fuck theyre doing and he probably wont be home tonight--can he call me back in a minute. well 20 min later he called, i was needless to say, pissed at him. hes always like "i want to spend time with you ive just been so busy" but he has no problems making time for everyone else. there was a time when i would have went with them, but apparently i cant go anywhere with them anymore. anyway he could tell i was mad and i was about to tell him why when the damn phone died. waited a minute got it straight in my head what i wanted to say, then called gregs phone. perk answered talked to me for all of 20 sec, when he gave the phone to greg so he could shoot pool or whatever for a min. well greg talked to me for a min then said he couldnt hear and hung up. wouldnt answer his phone after that. so..since i knew perks phone was dead--i left him several messages telling him what was wrong, just in case i back down again by tomorrow. im bad about that just stuffing shit down until i cant stand it anymore instead of telling ppl how i feel, but you know what?? im tired of being walked all over. i dont think that im the center of the universe but it would be really nice to have someone there when it really matters and no one seems to give enough of a shit for that. ok to mention throughout the last 2 hrs i have had NO cigarettes either. i think i have enough for a black and mild so im going to go now and see. later