trapped in a soap opera

fuck men

ok thats something that you will rarely hear me say but im half drunk and pissed as hell so youre hearing it. its like theres no hope you either get the asshole guys or the sensitive ones where they have 15 other ppls shit to deal with. ok thats what im really really pissed about. i havent been doin too well today emoitionally job hunting sucks and in my position it sucks ass. i go to gregs tonight and everything is fine until rinky dink shows up and then ashley makes a phone call and finds out her cousin or whatever is in jail for something or another so the whole mood of the place goes under. im tired of all the drama. ok what im pissed about is im ready to go and perk is in his truck talkin to rinky dink dont know why that pissed me off so much but here i think hes tryine to make ashley feel better and hes out there talkin to someone else. i tried to deal cause i like ashley but knowin it was her pissed me off. dont knwo why she pisses me off more than the rest but oh well. anyway im just tired of all his 15 girl friends shit. im sure that they dont like the overall time he spends with me but fuck em if they wanna sleep with him then they can anyway, it just that the other day when i was wanting to dies when i hated the mere thought of my existence where was he???? at work then dealing with all their drama, when he was upset where was i??? waiting for him to get home so that we could talk and he could feel beter. its just fucked up just cause i dont whine and cry and boo hoo then all of a sudden my problems dont matter they come last. no matter that theyre just as important and im more fucked up about them then most of his women (trust me i knwo half the tiem he tells me what it was about its about stupid fuckin shit) I hate fuckin women and men i really do. i guess this teaches me that all i can really depend on is myself. i got ready to leave tonight cause i was tired of just sittin by myself and went to tell him bye and hes like wait a minute on me (well i knwo him and it wont be a minute but i waited a lil while anyway) finally ijust got pissed off and left waved at him as i got in my car. he came over to the car and was liek whats up? i said ntohing ill be over it tomorrow (which i will ill be back to fuckin takin whatever i can get ) and not to worry about it. he asked if it was about the whole bein outside the circle thing i said no which was true then he asked if it was about him i said i didnt knwo then he said he was goin to ask if i wanted to go to the house tonight when he left to just wait a minute--to which i replied yeah a minute will be an hour. he accused me of bein really pissy tonight which i am im jsut fed up with bein last in line as far as bein ther for me goes. as far as time spent im probably higher, but when push comes to shove and i need him to be there for me hes always got other bitches to take care of first. yeah i could go to his house tonight and talk about it but goin to his house consists of layin there talkin for a minute, maybe havin sex, then him goin to sleep while i still have 400 things to tell him, yeah thats normal but if he hadnt been busy talking to everyone else during the rest of the time then hed be more open to talkin to me about shit.

just pisses me off i guess cause like i said i got more major shit goin on than most of them and i get put at the end of the list because i dont whine and cry and all that fuckin bitch stuff. fuck him and everyone just fuck em all i told him id call after i got done writeing to tell him what was wrong i think if he wants to knwo then he can come over here and talk to me in person but ya know what that probably wont happen cause hell have to console ashley and shit then ill feel bad cause hes got a test tomorrow but dammit so do i

whats the line "i hate myself for loving you" i do and thats the fucked up part. i pretty much am with him, but its switched at first he was freakin me out but now it seems like its the other way around ive gotten used to our fucked up relationship and pretty much accept it for what we dont call it and hes gotten more distant. who knows what the fuck is up with that. there WAS a reason why i didnt want to get into a relationship and this was pretty much it.
ok this isnt gettin any better im just gettin more pissed so im gonna go and ignore the spellign im drunk so i cant type.