trapped in a soap opera

its exes fucking up my life week

Well thats the main part of my week anyway, not really sure how into it ill get. Haven't been in the talking mood lately in case you couldn't tell. Had a lot of shit on my mind, especially the last few days, and pretty much just trying to get by until friday.

It sucks i had my lil sick period, then my i want to be alone period, now i just need someone to be with and hold, and Perk is in a fuckin need ot be alone period. That's why im here, cause i need someone to talk to and to hold and all i got tonight is this fuckin computer to sort out all this shit in my head. goddammit. He's goin to Louisiana this weekend, and i actually got permission to go from my mom (i might explain why i needed permission later), and he wants to be alone--kinda like last weekend when i couldv'e gone. Oh well fuckin shit happens. That's usually the way it goes, when i need ppl theyre never around.

Another thing, call me cold and uncaring, but if i hear another word (which im sure i will) about this whole war thing im gonna scream. Who fuckin cares (ok well everyone does but me but this is my journal so i can say that), truthfully besides my son i cant think of anyone i would miss terribly if they were gone. Im just cold that way--dont really love anyone all that much--keep them at too much of a distance. Besides everyone is freaking out--ok if they bomb us or nuke us or poison us is freaking out about it going to change that fact....ummmm no. Ok so maybe ive just been through too much shit in my life--nothing scares me anymore really. And i dont give a shit about a whole lot anymore--i just let what happens happen, cause i spent most of my life stressin over shit, and i think i wouldve killed myslef by now if i kept it up. Too much shit happens to me, and all at the same time. i cant even make any plans past about the next 30 min. cause if i do it is inevitable that something will happen to fuck them up. case in point in a min. Anyway i think if i got hit with some horrible bio warfare though, that we have enough guns here--id just shoot myself or whatever.

Ok on to the cant make plans shit and the "exes fucking up my world" week. umm where to start. Ummm. monday i get a letter from the bank in OK, that says that the loan payments are past due in the amt of like almost 400 and this is the last notice that theyre sending b4 they take it to small claims court. Ok heres the deal--the loan is in my name first cause i had better credit (keyword had) and arthurs is 2nd. when we split he was supposed to pay on that shit cause he was still going to build the house, and he got the truck (which was the collateral) i figured hed pay cause if he didnt he lost the truck. well a few mos ago the truck blew up so he quit caring if the bank came and got it so quit paying. since he never changed his address then i get the mail for him. anyway i called the bank and they said they could just start by getting the truck--i said i didnt knwo what he had done with it and i would try to find out then call him back. Well i managed on a whim to actually leave a msg for and get ahold of arthur--gave him the number told him to call soon as he got off the phone with me... of course he didnt. found this out today when i called the bank guy back--im giving arthur till mon to call him then i dont knwo what will happen. the bank guy seems to be nice though.

Ok now were on to number 2. Roy and Amanda broke up the other day, so now i get to spend my spring break (next week) taking care of my 4 yr old son. there are absolutely no places open in this town and i think not in surrounding either, and since he got kicked out of preschool then Roy has nothing to do with him while hes at work. apparently amanda is going to watch him this week and me next week. not that i dont love Sean but i needed the break oh well. Mom and i kinda got in an arguement over her deciding that maybe i shouldnt be bailing Roy out of this situation (since hes an ass to all his wives and its letting him off easy) well # 1 i hate his wife, and the shit that has taken place since she married him. and # 2 Ive been worried that i would never regain a place in my son's life (Amanda has been his "mommy" pretty much for the past 2 yrs dont get me started on him calling her that though) and now i have a chance to. the replacement is kinda maybe on the way out, so i have chance to make up for the fuckups of the last 2 yrs and be his mom again for real.
This new development has also fucked with my school plans though. I was originally going to go to U of A but since he has already been through Roy and i's divorce, arthur and i's divorce, and now them splitting up. he has lost pretty much a lot of major ppl in his life in his 4 yrs (including me though i never meant it to be that way its a long story of my complicated life) and i dont think that after losing the woman that has been such a big part of his life for 2 yrs that it would be such a great idea for me to move 5 hrs away. I wouldnt be able to visit but every month or two. Just dont think this is the time to do that, think hes has a fucked up enough life already--specially this year. So i guess im going to go to ASU since its only like and hour. not as good of a language dept., but it'll have to suffice. Guess i can always get my MBA later at U of A. most of it also is U of A has a better business dept too and has more connections to get jobs and internships but oh well, this may be my only chance to step back into my son's life, and whether im ready or not its what i need to do.

so there you go the last few days in a nutshell--could bitch more but i need to get some sleep and am probably putting whatever poor souls read this to sleep too this is so long. ill write more as things develop and i feel like it. i think the sleeping pills are starting to kick in anyway.
later