trapped in a soap opera

fairly uneventful, procrastinating

ok i have to do my monologue on thurs and i only have half of it memorized let alone the dramatic shit done with it. I also have a legal environment assignment due tomorrow and i havent even looked at it, i guess ill have to do it on my 12-2 break its only 1 page. Otherwise been a fairly uneventful night. Perk came over after work and ate dinner with us. i finally got some cigarettes (ive been out since early last night). We went to Ashley's to see Greg, he had actually done his calculus homework i was so proud HA HA oh wait i havent done it yet. Yet another thing on my list.

I needed to call the DA today and make sure that he got my community service info in that fax and that everything is taken care of--but of course i didnt. Need to go find a job--but the roads were kinda fucked up today (thats why we had no school) ok so by the time i finally made it home from Perks they werent but shhhh i am trying to ignore that fact. Um, i tried to call Mendy today to get Arthur's number and to find out if he actually moved to OKC. I have decided to take care of that stupid divorce shit with my tax return (if Tot's ever sends me my reissue statement). I think i'm goin to change my name back too. i dotn plan on gettin married anytime soon, and i am reluctant because my name has changed a lot in the past 5 yrs, but im thinking it would be a good way to get back to a new starting point, back to the time when i didnt spend my entire existence fucking up. Start over, new name, new school (in the fall), new me. Well some of the old me will stick around im sure but i WILL finish school this time. I WILL BE SOMEONE SOMEDAY AND RUB IT IN THE FACE OF ALL THE FUCKERS THAT HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM WORTHLESS. I think that all that shit is in my head probably that there arent as many ppl laughing at the last 5 yrs of my life as i think but it doesnt matter--im goin to prove them all wrong. I don't care that much about money, i just liek to be comfortable--but to make a lot of it and rub it in Roy's face would be so nice--motherfucker and his little im better than you attitude. To be able to work in a different country and fly my son out there all the time or whatever--shit that Roy couldnt ever do. Ok so im gettin into some old shit here but all the voices of the people that used to think i was going to be someone great and now think im an idiot and that i wont even finish school keep echoing in my head and driving me to go on just to spite them. YEs i am a fuck up--i was one i still am, but thats not all i am. Ok enough of all this shit--if it doesnt make a lot of sense got to my portfolio and read "my epiphany" it'll make more sense.

I still dont understand Perk or how i feel about him. Looked at pics of him last night when he still played baseball. i keep wondering if he stil looked like that if i would be with him. hes such a great guy. besides everyone looks like shit eventually. id just rather not start out that way i guess.

anyway i have this weird fascination with fucking Greg right now, now that he and Robin have broken up. Course hes hangin out with Ashley. what is his deal with fat ugly women anyway--hes a fairly good looking guy. Oh well. Tj touched me the other day when he was looking over my shoulder at the speech topics--got really close but i dont know if it was on purpose or not. I wish echo hadnt made that such a big deal and we could've gone out once or twice he seems pretty cool and is cute too.

anyway this shit isnt helping me get my shit done so i guess i had better go. i still have 3-5 yrs of this shit--its going to be so depressing to go to Perk and Robin's graduation. im happy for them but to know that i should have been done 3 yrs ago in may is depressing knowing i have so much left to go before i do. If i go on and get my MBA i'll probably be almost 30 by the time im done with school. Imight as well have become a doctor or something to be going this long. i know i took a 4 year break (not counting the summer i went) but to have so many classes that wont transfer or count toward anything doesnt help the situation either. But goddammit--at least when im done i should be able to start my business or get a really fuckin good job. ok now i really do got to go (like im goin to get anything done anyway but oh well i can pretend)