Sarah's Life

An interesting starting point

"I'm not so much losing my friends, but shedding the people who were never my friends in the first place." - Me in AIM w/ Jackson

I wonder to what extent this holds true. For the past 4 years, I have never once had the same group of friends at school. Sure, I've had 'floaters' that kinda stuck around, but the main group that I always sit with, seek out and talk to shifted at least once a year, if not once a semester.

So is it that I just drift away from friends ('lose' them in a sense) or that they were never more than a distraction in the first place? If so, what were they a distraction from? Why even bother in the first place? I don't mind sitting alone at lunch, I used to do it all the time, and I still do sometimes... but at what point did sitting alone become almost fearsome for me?

Perhaps it started when I started hurting myself more often. I'd only ever do it in private, so the longer I was around people, the less often I would find myself tempted. And by the time I was so far gone that I'd started to hurt myself no matter who was around, no one cared - at least, not the only person who was ever around (Mike). I actually started hurting myself in front of him a month or so before I met Jackson. At first he would force me to stop doing it in front of him... but then it just progressed into him ignoring it. If Jackson hadn't actually taken the time to talk to me... *shudder*

Ok, I think I went of on a really bizarre tangent there. *sighs*

Of course, it all brings me back to why I continue shifting friends. Why can't I pick just one shallow group to hang out with?

~~Sarah