When I Die

New Year : Emptiness

Hullo everyone!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


I Hope you all had a jolly good new year's eve and new years day.

Me? Well, a new year's day is nothing special. For me, it's just a reminder, that tells me : Hey Idiot! One more year went by, one more year wasted, one more year full of nothing.

Blah! Pay no attention to me now, and don't let me spoil your new year spirit. The thing is, that I just seem to have forgotten how to be happy. So Don't let me ruin your sense of hope [yeah, everyone feels some kind of hope when they're trampling away into the new year...]

What do I speak of now? well, Actually, nothing.

I'm going to speak about nothing. Which, is the opposite of everything. And since I've been living with 'nothing' for the past few years, maybe I'm qualified to speak about it. Actually, I'm overqualified. Damn! I could get a bloody PhD degree on the subject of 'nothing'!

Okay, 'nothing' in the dictionary, means
a: None, zero,
b: Emptiness.
c: slang Full of something.

Well, I'll say, nothing means none of those things. Those blasted idiots at Oxford university know absolutely no darned thing about writing dictionaries.

What nothing really means, is 'something'. That something could be anything. That something could be everything.
I'm sounding confused?

Well, let's see.
Say that you're crying. And someone comes over and asks : "hey! what happened?"
You say "nothing."

say you're smoking a cigarette in your bedroom, and your mom comes inside. You quickly hide away that ciggie, and when she asks "what's that?"
You say "nothing." actually, I don't know what I'd say in such a position, because I've never smoked anyway

So you see, nothing doesn't mean what the oxford dictionary says it does.
Nothing, means 'something'

But then, In my case, I've been living with nothing for a long time.
And I wasn't living with 'something' all these years.
I wasn't living with 'anything' all these years.
I wasn't living with 'everything' all these years.

I was living with what the oxford dictionary defines 'nothing' as : 'emptiness'

I've been living with 'emptiness'. It's my best friend, you know.
We wake together, go to the loo together, brush our teeth together, have breakfast together, have a bath together, Hey, emptiness helps me scrub my back too!

We go off to college together, sit in the lectures together, eat our lunch together, laugh at my friends jokes together, we walk home together, we strip off our clothes together, we sit down to do those damned assignments and technical sheets together, we sit on the computer together, we play computer games together, we sing together, we see TV together if there is time [well, there's never time] , we eat dinner together, then we go for a walk together, we sit in my favorite spot together, we silently watch the twinkling stars together, we walk home together with a defeated pace, we say our prayers together... actually, I don't pray. Emptiness does.

We sleep together, we dream of nice things and love and hope and peace together, then we wake up the next morning, wondering if those dreams will ever come true together, and we repeat all of the above together.


So you see, maybe oxford isn't all that wrong after all. Or maybe oxford is full of sad people like me.

There I go, I'm a big oxymoron. See, first I say 'nothing' means 'something, anything, everything' then I say 'nothing' means just that. Nothing. Didn't I tell you all before, that I'm one hell of a confused chimp?

Enough Grammar and language. I'm sure you're all bored by now.


Hmmm, let's speak about the present. Well, new year's here! 2003.
I never thought I'd live to see this year!
I was supposed to be dead so many years back!
Anyway, here's another new year, and one year later, it'll be another year wasted, And in that year too, I'll be wondering what I'm wondering now.

I'll be wondering, wether I'll ever see real happiness again, just like I'm wondering about it right now, I'll be wondering wether I'll ever find my peace again. I'll be wondering if I'll be ever finding my faith again, I'll be wondering what games God will play in the new year.
I'll be wondering if I'll ever see my love again. I'll be wondering if I'll ever live through the new year again, And Finally, I'll be wondering, just like I'm wondering right now, If I'll ever be able to love anyone, or anything again.


[update]
Dear Ambie, where are you? I saw what you did in that forum. Thank you! You absolutely stole my idea. I was going to do it today! Well, Now I guess I'll let it skip. But I don't need to remind you that you're special, do I?

Oracle, where are you? I'm missing your words of wisdom [/update]

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