Spasmodic Contemplations

Thoughts thought on Christmas Eve

So it’s finally Christmas Eve! I’m actually kind of excited about tomorrow because I am fairly certain I am getting the Lord of the Rings trilogy! Wow, I have been waiting a long time for that. Of course, most people think that I only want it because I saw the movies and all, but that’s not necessarily true. I actually picked up Fellowship of the Ring at a bookstore a few years ago. And I was like, “Hmmm…sounds pretty interesting.” But I didn’t get it because I had no money, surprise surprise. Normally fantasy and such doesn’t interest me, but this stuff is different. It’s more…like mythology than fantasy. But then, I like Harry Potter too, so maybe my taste in literature is changing again. Or maybe I just like books that are well-written. Gee, isn’t that weird? I have to admit though, since the movies came out, I have wanted the books even more. They’re just that good, ya know? Usually I don’t like to read the book after seeing the movie, but hey, I think they’re worth it.

I was still trying to figure out which of the two released movies I like more, and I think I’m leaning toward FOTR. Of course, The Two Towers was awesome, made even more awesome because of the means by which I saw the movie. Haha, yeah, my physics teacher convinced a lot of people to dress up and go with her. A lot of the people that were supposed to didn’t go. They couldn’t wait until Wednesday evening to see it, so they went Tuesday night at midnight. I went Wednesday with Farina, Hannah, Brittany, and some others. But the 2 mentioned and I dressed up as hobbits. Farina was Gandalf the Grey. Our Frodo didn’t show up lol, so we made Hannah Frodo because she had the hair most like his. She was originally going to be Pippin, but then that happened. So she was having an identity crisis. She was like, “I don’t know who I am anymore!” And Brittany was being schitzo; she really had no reason to be since she was just Merry, but hey, it was all in good fun. I was supposed to be Sam, but Dani said I looked more like Bilbo. I was like, “But I want to be Sam!” So I was haha. I had so much fun that night. It was fun being an idiot. I mean really, and Hannah and I discussed this, most people think that since we’re so “smart” and serious and all that, that we wouldn’t do something like dress up and go to the movies. But really, it was worth it, even though we got laughed at and stared at and all. Oh well, I rather enjoyed the attention, whether it was positive or negative. So maybe I seem boring most of the time, but I am willing to do that kind of stuff if I have support. I wouldn’t have done it by myself though…hehe. I can’t wait til we get pictures back!

Anyways, I do like FOTR more because….well…I don’t really know. Perhaps because it’s deeper and requires more understanding where as The Two Towers is mostly preparation to fight and some battle scenes? I don’t know. I do know that I can watch the first one over and over, but I don’t think I can watch the 2nd one like that. I keep thinking I’m going to get tired of watching FOTR eventually, but I haven’t. Every time I start watching it, I get just as excited as I did the first time I saw it. Felt that way during calculus the other day…lol, didn’t even go to lunch. Just sat there and watched in awe. It’s great. I think I’ve seen it 12 or 13 times…something like that. I’ve kind of lost count, and I don’t know if I could go back and figure it out exactly. Oh well.

So that is about all that I am happy about now. Really, my mom was all ill today, and it made me ill. My grandmother recently had a heart attack and all. She’s undergoing surgery Thursday morning so that they can put a pacemaker in her. Hopefully that will help; she’s so weak. After her stroke 6 years ago, the doctors said she might live 5 more years. And she’s still here. But I know she’s tired; she said so herself. She has been so optimistic and all, but now, I think her optimism is fading. If I were her, I would have given up a long time ago, but she keeps fighting. My dad was thinking about going to NC since it might be her last Christmas since it might be her last, but obviously he decided not to. I think he should have gone, but my opinion doesn’t count. If my grandmother dies, and I know she will in the near future, she will be the closest relative of mine to die. I haven’t really cried at the other 2 funerals within the family because I hardly knew the people who died, but this is definitely different. Nice, huh? I can’t really complain though. She’s not dead yet.

All the stuff about college is bothering me, too. I think I give up on Vandy. I can’t even pay for the freaking PROFILE. And besides, the only way I could go is if they offered to pay for EVERYTHING. What are the chances of that? I just barely had an ACT score high enough to be competitive for merit scholarships, and I didn’t even take the SAT I’s or SAT II’s. My resume is not all that impressive, so I seriously doubt they would give me enough money. Even with federal financial aid and all, I would still have to struggle to pay for my education there. So I think I’m going to try and just accept the fact that I’m going to UAB, despite the setbacks. So it’s not as prestigious as Vandy, so what if it’s in the middle of the f***ing biggest city in Alabama, so what if none of my friends are going there…it’ll be okay. Time to grow up and move on. UAB is ranked only as a Tier 3 school, but it’s science programs (especially biology) are supposedly very good. Comparative to Vanderbilt and Duke some say. It is also 3rd in the South in research funding…behind Vandy and Duke…surprise? No. It really is a decent school, and they have offered to pay for everything…so I wouldn’t be struggling there. And anyway, it’s only undergraduate school. Why pay so much as $38,000 a year to go to undergraduate school? Yeah, still trying to talk myself into it. All my friends hate it. So what? I’m not them. I’m sure I’ll be happy enough there. I’m just too easily influenced, that’s all. I need to grow out of that. How else will I survive on my own? I really do wish they would stop dissing it though. It gets me frustrated and ill. I don’t complain about their college prospects…except Auburn, and they’re decent…I might would go to Auburn if I could drive, but I can’t so oh well. Same with MSU. Both are respectable universities, but their campuses are not ideal for legally blind people. You wouldn’t think UAB’s campus is good for me either, but Birmingham has public transportation, which is the only way I can get around without having to depend on someone else. So it was between Vandy and UAB, and Vandy costs 9 or 10 times more than UAB and hasn’t even offered me a scholarship. UAB has….it all comes down to the money.

But the thing that is bothering me most is the whole situation with my friends. Outwardly, we’re all fine, but me…I’m the weirdo. And they tell me so, and I know so. I just don’t know what they want me to say anymore. Whatever I do or say is wrong, and they let me know it. I know they’re probably teasing and stuff, but sometimes it gets to be too much for me to take. It brings me back to my childhood, which was not nice. The teasing and malice got so bad in elementary school that I just decided I couldn’t take it anymore and started homeschooling. I went back to public school so I could have a social life, but that didn’t come til recently. And now, they call me freak and weirdo and psycho and all that all the time…I don’t know. I shouldn’t have to worry about how to react when I’m around them because they’re my friends, but I might revert back to that. I’m getting tired of it all.

I know that I’m being immature. I mean, how many 17-year-olds do you know that act like this? How many people do you know my age that are so insecure? It’s not normal…it’s not. But how do I fix it? I thought my friends would help me with that, but now I’m beginning to wonder. And see, this is something that people go through at like, 14 and 15. Why do I act so immature? Why am I like this? It bugs me. I’m always confused about what people are thinking and all…always confused about what they want from me. And especially Brian….god….I think I’ll just save an entire entry for Brian…will save that for after Christmas lol.

So it’s really not surprising to me that no one has wanted to date me. I’m a freak, really I am. I have anxiety disorder and am OCD and perfectionist and really boring and insecure and paranoid. I’m socially immature, just don’t know how to act properly in general I suppose. I don’t know how to be so that people are happy with me. Everything I do, it seems, is the wrong thing. I give. Good lord…maybe one of these days someone will come along who can look past all the weirdness. I mean, most people are weird to some extent, but I’m just WAY out there. Oh, besides the fact that I can’t see and look like a freak…haha. Kind of wondering if that person will even come along during college. Everyone says he will, but I don’t know. If he does, it’ll probably be like…3 years from now at least. Yay, 3 more years of living with no one that can identify with me. Woohoo!

Okay, so enough about the complaining. It’s Christmas Eve; I should be happy right? I suppose…Christmas isn’t like it used to be. This is because I’m older now…I know. Still excited about LOTR, but that’s about it. Lol, we’re not even having Christmas dinner like usual this year. We’re splitting it up over 2 days because my grandmother is coming Thursday so that she can be here for Laura Kate’s birthday party on Saturday (birthday actually on Sunday). I wonder if my brother is coming. I want him to so badly….weird….it’s not my last Christmas at home, but it is my last Christmas at home when I’m actually living here. I want it to be a good one. I hope you have one too. Happy Christmas!