Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

12-07-02

Hello again readers, if you're still here. LOL
Not a lot going on lately. I had visitation with JMC yesterday. He didn't seem to be as good as mood as he had been. He didn't seem depressed or anything like that, but he just was not as perky as he was the last two weeks. He said nothing was wrong, but I still got the feeling that something was.
Sorry that I haven't written much lately. just been in a deep blue funk this week. Was kinda ill the other day but I'm okay. I guess.
Haven't really talked to BOH this week. A few times and only briefly at that. :(:(:( I just have a sick feeling that something is going on with him, that he either doesn't want to tell me, or is afraid to, or something. I don't know. I can't wait until we do get a chance to talk again. he is such a sweetie and really does mean so much.
I have chat with JC a few times this week and he has called me a couple of times. All's well, there.
JJ, PG, and JEB, I haven't really chat with much, either.
Hell, maybe everyone's just ignoring me. Maybe I'm just too damn boring for them. Maybe they're just sick of me. I don't know. Sorry, it's just the mood I'm in at the time.
Hell, I don't know what to think anymore. About ANYTHING. :( It's not anything bad has happened to me this week or redently. But sometimes i just wish that I could shut my f***ing brain off, for awhile. I hate it when i think this much. About all sorts of things. Life, the holidays, relationships, etc, etc.
I guess you could say that I have been somewhat confused about things, lately. i don't know why, either. F***ING EMOTIONS and feelings, anyhow. Why can't we just shut them off when we want? Why can't we have SOME control over our f***ing hearts? AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE FEELING THIS F***ING WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry if all this is confusing, it's just that I HAVE to vent some, without going into in too many details.
At the moment I just want to crawl into a corner or under my covers and just stay there, away from the world, away from people, away from myself.
just thought I'd write something to let everyone know that I am alive, anyway. Will try to write more later or tomorrow.
Have a Great evening.