Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-16-02

BOH is OKAY!!!!!!!!:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Like said in an earlier entry, I knew I was gonna feel like an idiot, when I heard from him, for worrying so much. It is just a TREMENDOUS relief, knowing that he's okay. I feel so stupid now. I hate it when i do that, worry about things that turn out to be nothing, really.
I went out to the club for awhile last night. Even though, I wasn't in a good, or even a bad mood. I really wasn't in any mood. Yesterday, I felt as though I was just existing. Simply taking up space on this earth, breathing air that I didn't feel I deserved. I had three dinks while I was there. That is good for me and very good considering my state at the time. I left there about 9:30 and went over to DC's, his and IV's party. The boys were all there, playing their usual strip-pool. I couldn't even enjoy it. My mind was so pre-occupied with worry and concern.
JBH and his bf, RF were really being considerate and kind to me. I really don't think RF and I had talked so much in the entire time that we've known each other. I had one drink there. JBH and I were alone. I don't know what it was. If it was the fact that we had "played" together before, or my desperate need to feel better, to feel wanted. Or, if it was just a combination of everything. But, I kissed him. And I started kissing him more. That's when RF walked in. OMG, I felt like s**t. But he wasn't angry or upset. Instead he smiled and told JBH, "I hope you're planning on sharing." Then he started kissing me. They kept re-affirming, that, that was what I really wanted. I guess they kinda felt guilty for taking an advantage of my situation and mood at the time. It wasn't long before we were all naked and on the floor together. We made sure that we had protection. Without going into details, we enjoyed each other's bodies.
Today, I feel as if *I* took an advantage of them. JBH called earlier and made sure I was okay. I explained my feelings and we did agree that nothing happened last night that none of us didn't want to.
Anyways, when I got home last night, I had an email from BOH. He was fine. He had been grounded from the computer. OMG, I started crying tears of joy and relief. A great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. As I said before, that's all I needed to know. That my fears were for no reason. THAT was the highlight of my night and has been the highlight of my day, too. I am so thankful that I did finally hear from him. It's just, I don't even know how to say it or what to say. the feeling that I'm feeling right now, it's difficult to describe.
JC called this morning. I told him I felt bad about what I did last night. He told me not to feel bad. He said yeah, he wished that he'd been here to fill my needs instead, but that he was not mad or upset in any way. He was just glad that I did find *some* "comfort" last night. And he was thrilled to hear that BOH was okay and I'd heard from him.
Yeah, I still feel a bit guilty for what happened last night. I feel guilty for even worrying the way I did, this week. I am just so so so so thankful, that BOH is okay. I'm not sure how much longer he's grounded for. As he said, "Technically, he wasn't even supposed to be on then." I love him and care about him so much.
Well, now that that issue is at rest, I can breathe comfortably. I just cannot wait until I get to talk to BOH, again.
My visit with JMC went well, yesterday. He seems to be doing better. Again, this was not a session, just a visitation. And he asked that dreaded question, "How's BOH?" I hated lying to him, but I didn't want him to worry, either. I just told him, "He's fine the last time I talked to him. It's been a few days since I've talked him. I haven't been feeling real well. But when i see him again, I'll tell him you said hi."
And JMC said, "And, give him our love."
"As always, JMC. :) As always"

Well, guess I will close this one for now. hope you all have a great evening and take care. :)