Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-14-02 #2 :=( :=(

:(:(:(No sign of BOH yet:(:(:(
Another day. That's five and counting. I keep trying to tell myself that it's nothing bad. That he just got grounded from the computer or something. That his ISP is down, or whatever. It HAS to be. I sent him and his sister an email today. I've gotten no reply, yet. I'm going out of my mind, now.
I keep thinking of our very last conversation. I wish I could go back to that conversation. Everything was going. All was great. But stupid-a** me. I told him I was gonna go watch a movie. If only I hadn't. If I had of just spent a little more time with him. And what he said earlier in the day, about *seeing* a car accident. God, NO! Not BOH, PLEASE!
DC called an invited me to the SD! party, but instead of saying, "I don't know" or maybe, I just said, "No." I told him I wanted to stay here, in case BOH signed in. JC called a little after that. He kept trying to ease my fears and trying to talk me into to going to the party. I told him, I couldn't and I wouldn't. Then he asked about tomorrow night's party, and I told him that most likely, I would not be going to that one either. JC feels bad, because he's not here to help me deal with this, whatever it turns out to be.
I did have three other friends sign in today, while I was online. But i feel bad because I really wasn't very talkative to them. JPS told me that that was totally fine. He does seem to understand. My "sis" PG, she didn't really say alot either. She has to know that I'm just not doing very good, right, now. And JJ, he tried to cheer me up, too. He told me not to worry, either.
But he did say that he understood, that that was easier said than done.
"BOH, where are you? What is going on?" I have done really good, though. I haven't had ANY alcohol. Yes, I've thought about it and almost did last night. But it didn't happen.
I just want to hear something from him. Anything. Even if it's "Go to hell." At least then, I would know that my bad fears and thoughts aren't true.
GOD!!!!!!!!!! There i go rambling again. I can't help it. I just want, NEED to know that he's okay.
I ate lunch today and it didn't stay where it should have. I haven't tried to eat dinner, yet. Not sure if I could keep it down if I did. My stomach is in knots, hell my whole body feels like it's in a giant clamp that is slowly crushing me and twisting my insides, twisting me inside out.
Okay okay OKAY!!!! Enough of my self-pity and wallowing.
I guess I'll close this for now. I really don't know what else to say anyway.
See ya.