Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-14-02

Well doesn't this just suck big time!!! I ate dinner and was ready to go over to a neighborhood bar. Well, I didn't make it there. Just as well, I guess. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my dinner started knocking on the entrance door. So I thought it best NOT to go anywhere. I didn't get sick this time, it did stay down. (Sorry if this grosses you out). Instead, i just laid down and fell asleep. That was about 10:30 -10:45. And dammit, I woke up at 2:30. WIDE awake, at that. Like I had just been energized or someone had flipped a switch.
I had two dreams that I remember. In the first one, I was my friend's SJG's house. A straight friend I have known all of my life. We were in the garage and it seemed like we were putting a pickup truck togethere. He's always working on automobiles.
The second dream, just before I woke up. I was laying on the bed when My computer beeped or dinged, whatver that little noise on msn msgr is, letting me know that someone had signed in. i got up and it was BOH. My God, I was crying tears of joys and relief, I could barely type to him. Before I could get what had been going on, I got that little gray message box like an error message, it said, "You have reached a server out of your periphial. You do not have permission to use to use this feature on this server. The afterlife window will now close."
OMFG, I started screaming and crying. I was still crying when I woke up. Hell, it's no wonder I was so wide awake. And, why I can't go back to sleep. I know it was just a stupid f***ing dream. But OMG, it was SO real. Terrifying. Heartbreaking. Painful. Horrible. Real.
My God, my gut still hurts from being in knots the last several days and now this. If I could just get a reply from the email I sent him the other day. At least then I would know that he's okay. Anything. EVen if he was to tell me to F*** off and go to hell. I wouldn't mind so much, just knowing that he was alive and well. If all of a sudden he decided he didn't want to be friends. That would crush my heart, yeah, but at least I'd know he was okay. Four days and counting since I've talked to him. :(:(:(:(:(:(
I look at some pictures of him, that he had sent me, and I get a cold chill, that scares the s**t out of me.
That is so NOT him. There a couple of other details about his absence, that is really bothering me, too. I have trying to have faith in God, and any other higher deity (I think that's right), that BOH is okay, and it IS just some f***ing fluke. I love him so much and care so deeply for him. He is so precious. He is my sunshine. My Angel of Silliness.
I just need to know that he's okay. I am just driving myself crazy with all this crap. And I know when I do talk to him again, I'm gonna just feel like a complete idiot for worrying so much. AT this point, I'd love to feel like an idiot, just to know that nothing is terribly wrong.
Closing for now. Have a great day, all.