A chronicle of my life starting from June 21,
2002. |
November 12, 2002 Yes, I'm letting go. You see, I had a revelation last night. I hadn't let go. I realized this for the first time. I noticed how often I still think about how everything fell apart with the Corvette. Even after about half a year, even though I don't still feel that "walking on air" feeling about her, I still think about how awful it was when it came down, and how great it could have been had it not. Why on earth, after all this time, would I still be thinking about these things? I had it all figured out, right? I knew what happened and why. And it no longer brought me into a state of perpetual bummer. But the fact that I still thought about it so much showed that I obviously had not yet let go. So last night, I did it. I gave it up, I pushed it out of my thoughts. After all, am I still going to want to be thinking about it when I graduate? When I start my career? When I'm married? When I'm raising a family? Of course not! I have to put these things behind me where they belong, accept them as lessons learned and battle scars. These were my bold, wise thoughts until now. I decided that if I was really going to do this, I'd better get rid of some things that would remind me. I'm staring at my email archives, in a special folder labelled "The Elder Days". Every single message from her, from a certain point on, is saved there. I'm going to delete it. Then I remember one of those messages. One that came right before all the fights, arguments, and hurt that came afterwards. This is going to be harder than I thought. The message says: chris i just want to tell u how important you are to me. if u weren't my friend i would be missing out on so much. you don't understand how important you are to me. no matter what anybody says you are my best friend and you are an awesome person. everything i told you last night is 100% true. don't doubt that for a second. i just wanted you to know how much of a difference you've made in my life and i seriously don't think you understand how much i care about you. thanks for everything chris. That's the one physical memory I still have of the good part of our time. Nonetheless, it must go with the bad. The rest of those words, all those especially for me, will be gone. I said I'm going to let go. It's hard. So was that night that I typed in all my guts, my finger crouched hesitantly over the Enter key. Deja vu. *Click* Gone. That's letting go. Now then, I'm expecting some sort of big turning point in my life that's going to take me down a path of wisdom and growth. Or maybe I'll just free my mind up a bit for other things. Of course, it's not like I don't want her friendship. I've just decided that I should finally give up all that which I've been saving since our old friendship. So here I am, freed. And while I'm in the spirit of moving on, I think I'll talk about something completely different. The gifted facilitator at our school is moving to Texas. She's been really cool and everything, and I just hope that whoever comes in her place will be able to do it. But very strange, when I got home from praise band practice, the kitchen had food around every corner, and we had the biggest thing of toilet paper I'd ever seen. Apparently, she'd dropped by and just given us all this stuff! Wow, that's a blessing if I've ever seen one! One more memory: I got runner up in catrie's Make Me Cry contest for my poem, "My Days With You" ! First contest I've won anything on here. Ya know, I feel better already! Tomorrow's gonna be a new day, moreso than ever before. Recommended listening: Waffle by Sevendust. I'm in a headbanging mood. ~ Dris ~ |