Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-08-02

Good ,morning, or should I say afternoon, whatever the hell it is. LOL
Well, I talked to JC yesterday on his break. :D He really is feeling better and back to his old self, now. Not a lot going on there. Still hoping that he gets to come home for Thanksgiving.
I talked to JMC's mom EEC yesterday. She will no longer be having session with JMC and his shrink for the time being. She will still visit him, though. She's having her own sessions with the shrink. She's feeling guilty about what has happened to JMC. She feels that if she hadn't worked nights, she wouldn't have put JMC in that position. She feels like she made that happen to him. I've told her that it is no more her fault than JMC's. There is only one person who is responsible for what happened and that SOB doesn't live in this state anymore. She is having a very difficult time with this. Worse than I originally thought. I knew that it would upset her. But not to this extent. I see what that motherf***er has done, not only to JMC at that time but now also, and what it's doing to his mom as well, and I keep wishing that MF dead. A slow, painful, torturous, long-suffering death. and yeah, I want to be to be there to witness it.
I talked to BOH, briefly last night:D . Didn;t get to chat long though, JBH showed up and gave me a ride to the SD! party. Didn't stay through the whole thing though. I did go to the club for awhile. Seen TnG. (They are a very cute couple ;) ) I had two rounds (4 drinks since it was 2-4-1 last night) and one shot. :( I shouldn't have and I know it, but I fel like I "had" to. :( I know JC and BOH are gonna be disappointed in me when i tell them. Hell, I'm disappointed in me. Anyways, when i did my shot, I bought TnG shot also. I owed them because they had bought me a couple, before. At least I felt that I owed them. Anyway G bumped my arm and some of it fell on his lower pant leg, T spilled a little on his hand. G commented "damn I got it on my jeans. I don't like stuff on my jeans." Being ornery, I said "What? Do you want me to lick it off?" LOL, he said, "Yeah, it spilled right here" and indicated his crotch area. LMAO (Oh my, okay :D) was my thoughts on that. LOL. No, I didn't lick him there, though I *might* have had it been in a more private setting, because-, well nevermind. LMAO. Just being a brat right now. TnG, two very great guys that I love and care about very much. We can always share a good laugh and mess with each other like that just for laughs. I have fun when I'm around them. I don't know what I did to deserve friends like them, either. Oh well. TnG (or GnT, however I may put it, LOL) are just very kind, caring guys who also like to have fun when they're out and about. They've been together for 7 or 8 years. And they are a beautiful couple. They'll always have a special place in my heart.
I'm supposed to met some friends at the club tonight. I am going to only limit myself to 2 or 3 drinks, though. Hell even what I drank last night is still better than what I used to do. At leaast I don't drink every night. And when i do drink, it's not as much as I used to. Used to be, when I'd go out, I'd have anywhere from 12-20 drinks, PLUS at least 4-8 shots. I don't want to get back to that point and I won't. That is promise I've made to myself, to JC, JMC and BOH.
I don't ever want them to be disappointed in me, though they probably will be. I don't want them to be ashamed of me. They are the biggest parts of my life. I don't know what I'd do without them. I don't even want to think about losing any of them. But, at the same time, i don't want them to feel obligated to remain my friends, either. I don't want a pity friendship. I want friends who are true and from the heart. And I sincerely believe that they are. I don't know why I do this. Why I doubt people's intentions and sincerity. I guess maybe it's just a lack of self-confidence. I don't mean to. I mean they have never given me any reason to doubt them. And one thing I can say about JC, BOH, and JMC, is they will tell you what's on their mind. I just keep hoping and praying that the day will come when we are living together, and all of this s**t will be behind us. Those three, my three remaining angels. My heart and soul belongs to them.
Anyways, guess I'll close this one for now. I hope you all have a GREAT day. :D