what matters and why

overtime

I thought I saw you tonight. I could have sworn it was you. The white hat, black shirt. Serious eyes and strong cheekbones. What do I know, it was so far away, it could have been anyone. But that face I thought I knew. What if it was? Did I miss that one chance? The moment I've gone over and over in my head for five years now. What if that's it? What if I never see you again? How would I feel? And for you... would you care? I'm sure you would. I know it matters. To have some kind of good bye, something so perfect we will remember for all of time. So I talked myself out of knowing if it was definetely you or not. Now, I'll never know. I just will remember the face in the crowd, intensely concentrating on the game. Could have been just another person. If it was, I don't want to know. I can't tell myself that I missed one more chance to share my life with you. Or at least say hi. And that could be it. And I'd be okay with that. Something I just need something. More than this because I am going insane. What...what is it, what is it that's so intense that won't go away. The game in itself brings back memories of a time I'm trying so hard to forget. And then to imagine you there also, why is this so hard for me. I wish it was so easy to forget. I want to tell you everything...how good I'm doing now, how I think I have finally found my place in this world and that I'm really really happy. Why I feel the need to share it with you I can't explain. It's just there, something's there, something so complicated it will never go away without some kind of closure. Lately I have been a little braver in my writing.. a little, not at all as much as is possible. I want to tell you, about me, who I am, what goes on in my head, and that I'm okay, that I've come to a place where I am okay. I want one chance, whether it's one minute or more. What would I have said anyway, most likely my brain would go blank? All I know is it won't go away and it's up to me to fix it and I don't know how. I don't have the courage to do this