Journal

Today

My sister came home from college last night.

She comes home a lot. Last weekend, this weekend, the next two weekends. She swears she'll be gone until Thanksgiving.

Today was the homecoming dance at my school. Last night was our homecoming game. Someone said during last week that it would be stupid to have a homecoming dance if we lost. We lost. But anyway. I spent the week thinking about how I didn't want to go to the stupid dance. And then feeling bad because my best friends had dates and I didn't. So I looked in the mirror for awhile, which usually helps. I used to look in the mirror for hours, and for some reason it made me feel better, and I would look better as I stared at myself. But this time I just kept hating myself more and more.

I hate riding the bus home from school. I sit and listen to music and try to drown out ditzy girls, or horny guys, or forget about the pot smoke floating into my brain, or look at the sky and try to float right out of the bus window.

I've decided that I'm going to die in a car accident. I'm not exactly sure when, though. So I've started wondering, each time I get in a car, will this be it? And sometimes it makes me sad, usually when there's other people in the car, because I don't want them to die. And sometimes (when I'm alone) I don't really care. And sometimes that scares me. Sometimes it doesn't.

There's all these signs pointing to me being clinically depressed. Which kinda sucks, because it's like, sorry, you can't escape this, unless you take drugs (which I will never do). And I can handle it, it's just that I wish I didn't know the signs and stuff. Cause somehow it's better not knowing. Ignorance really is bliss, I guess- unlike this one paper I wrote in eighth grade- I remember asking the teacher if it was ok to say "crap" in that paper. Fun times.

I wish my friends would get home and go online, already. I'd like to talk to them. It's kind of strange that I always want to talk to people but I never have anything to say. I wish I could say more. Hm. Well, anyway... wait, no, never mind, I don't know where I was going with that. Right-O. So, I never have anything to say, so I make up stupid gibberish, and people think it's funny.

Today I went jogging with my sister. Then we went out to lunch and went shopping, and I saw this coat I really liked. Then I went bowling, and this stupid guy spilled beer all over himself and his date. Drunk people aren't fun to be around. Then I watched That Thing You Do, and then I played Clue. Turns out it was Mrs. Peacock in the library with the revolver.