Spasmodic Contemplations

Frustration

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but every time I get around to writing, I have to get off the computer for some reason. It's really aggravating, but I'm finally getting to it tonight. I don't know; I'm just in one of those moods I guess. This past week hasn't been the greatest because of all those freaking hours spent in school. The people there just piss me off SO bad! All I ever hear about it seems, is all this talk about this new guy from Chicago who is gay. And everyone is like, "Oh my God! That is so disgusting! 'cringe' That is so wrong!" Blah blah blah. They treat it like it's some kind of disease, like if they stay around him, they'll become homosexuals too or something. Why the hell do they think it's any of their business anyway? Don't they have the maturity to just say, "Well, I may not agree with how he chooses to live his life, but that is his choice and I'm going to respect that." Obviously not. One reason why I hate living here is because the people here (save a few) are so freaking insular and hypocritical. Anyone who is not like them is an outcast and is condemned to Hell so to speak. Actually, I think some of them would condemn that guy to Hell just because they say homosexuality is against what the Bible says. I agree that it is, but what can you do about it? Absolutely nothing, so just deal with it. He's still the same person with the same personality despite his sexual preference! OOOOO! Gah, insular duckers!

And not only do I hear this shit at school, I get to hear it at home too. Now, isn't that just peachy!!! God, I'm getting so freaking tired of it. Besides listening to my parents complain about how weird I am and how they believe I'm going to have a nervous breakdown when I get to college, how they think that I can't survive on my own, I get to put up with their narrow-mindedness as well. I just heard my mom telling my grandmother tonight about how I'm "going astray"; I suppose I'm going to go to Hell to because I've decided to think for myself? I know I'm going through this rebellious stage right now; chances are it'll wear off one day and I'll go back to how I was a few years ago (as far as my religious beliefs are concerned). I don't know. I'm not saying I don't believe in Christianity; I'm just saying that I have become more tolerant of other people's opinions, unless they're completely stupid, and more lax in my behavior. I suppose my mom is pretty upset because, when I go to college, I'll probably get more into the science stuff than I already am and slack off even more. But what pisses me off more is the fact that she disses my friends. She told my grandmother that I have some Atheist friends (which I don't) and agnostics, and Unitarians. Ok, so that's true, but she said it in this derogatory tone, like she didn't approve. Oh well. It seems like the people that I go to school with that are supposed to be Christians are them same people who have rejected me all these years. The friends that I have now are more accepting than most of those hypocrites. I'm just so f***ing sick of hearing my family talk other people down like that simply becuase they're not Christian, or because they are Christian and just not a very "good" one in my case. Can't they just leave me be? And because of all this religious crap and all that about me not really having a choice about where I'm going to college and all that stuff about me just being so weird, I'm getting really, really annoyed and majorly pissed. My mom said that I hate her now, but that's not true. I love her to an amazing extent, but I just get so ANNOYED with her! And I want to tell her what I think so badly, but if I do, I'll get yelled at, maybe grounded. Who knows? It's tyranny over here. My opinions don't count.

I did have fun Friday night--probably the most fun that I've had in a really long time, but tonight, I don't know...it's weird. I'm quite the opposite. I'm just ill I suppose. I'm getting aggravated with myself because every time I think I might be getting over this certain guy, something just "happens" and I regress back to where I started. So now I'm all depressed again because of that too. My friend says seeing him last night, even though it was only for a few minutes, made me feel this way. Maybe. But why would it? I see him every day at school, and I thought I was finally going to be okay. So why would a few minutes last night put me in a mood like this? I know there's no hope for me with him, so why do I keep backsliding? It makes no sense to me. I guess it all goes back to that "I'm trying to be patient and wait for a decent guy, but I am getting tired of waiting" thing. It is best to wait and not just go out with every guy there is no matter what he's like, but it does get kind of depressing after a while--seeing people together and knowing I'm alone. Is it jealousy? I suppose so, but I can deal with it. It's not like I'm not happy for them; I just want it for myself as well. Now, why did I even say all that stuff about how I'm willing to wait for decent guy anyway? They're not exactly crowding around me now are they? I guess I'm getting a little too full of myself. Oh well. I think I'm going to be done for the night; maybe things will better in the morning, though I kind of doubt it.