....Title.....

pensando

Monday August 5,2002
OMG the days are going soooo fast. NO SCHOOOL PLEASE!

My cousin from Cali and my uncle left to Columbia today. They were here for the weekend. I really miss having people around but DAMN my room and bathroom are messy...AGAIN!!!! I'm gonna clean it up once and for all...........eventually. lol.


I wanted to write in my journal today about my ongoing problem with piano. I think I've reched the point where I want to tell my mom that I seriously, seriously do not want to continue taking lessons. I talked it over with Jessica today. The weird thing is that they say I have potential but I dont want to do the damn thing. Its like I'm wasting potential. Some people try their hardest to do what they want but they cant and look at me here I have the potential but I'm not using it. Like Jess said its ungrateful. But why would the Goddess or whoever give me this gift? How could i just refuse and waste this gift? It seems selfish on my part. BUt what can I do....I got this quote from a book I read I dont remember which because I think I read the book long ago but it said 'magick doesnt stay in the unwilling heart'. I think my heart is unwilling and I think that some of my "piano potential" has gone away during the years. Another example is that movie 'Center Stage'. That bulemic girl was sooo goood she had the potetial to be great in ballet and for a while she was but at the end she told her mom that she didnt have the heart. Maybe I dont have the heart for piano any more...if I ever had the heart to begin with. Maybe in the future I'll beable to accept this gift that I have been given but right now I dont want. I want to follow my dream of dancing. I dont want to be like my mom.....regretting the things she never did when she was young.
A couple of problems are I actually like my piano teacher. I'm going to miss seeing her. And I hate to disappoint her but I dont want to go on like this anymore. On Wednesday, or is it Tuesday who knows? I have piano and my piano teachers' mom is here and my piano teacher wants me to play for her mom. Why, Goodness? Why