From June 21 Onward

Pessimistic Anticipation

July 10, 2002

         Tomorrow is the day. We're going
to talk.
         "About what?" she asked through my
brother.
         I told him to tell her she knew.
         "Oh, probably about us not being
friends anymore."

         She just wants to end it. Was I really
ever as important to her as she told me? She
kicks me aside as if I were never anything
more than another pesty admirer.
         But it's the pesty admirers that she
keeps close.
         It was not always this way. But I
suppose that's been made clear. Tomorrow
I'm going to talk to her about everything, but
I'm not so optimistic anymore.
         I feel she sees the talk as an
opportunity for closure and finality. I see it as
a way to get closer to where we were so long
ago.
         It's doomed. I unwittingly and
unknowingly ended one of the best
relationships I've had in my life without even
doing anything. Why does this happen? She
makes me hate myself because I don't want
to live the life of somebody she doesn't care
about.
         I wish only that I had started a journal
back when I could have recorded my life with
her before this all happened. The memories
are only in my head.
         This, however, cannot interfere with
recommended listening. This entry:
Paradise by Tesla. That's all for now.

~ Dris ~