Spasmodic Contemplations

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Last night, you told me that you were somewhat discouraged with all of your children. You said that my sister is going to be a rebellious child, my brother cares nothing about religion, and that I no longer have the same vaules as you. You said that you tried to bring us up with Christian beliefs and values, but that sometimes, it seems as if you have failed. You said that this "Bohemian kick that I'm on has made me all tolerant" and that it aggravates you. Well, Mom, I'm sorry that we (your children) get you discouraged and make you feel like you're a failure as a mother; please don't feel that way. You haven't failed. Just give us some time, and we'll come around. Even you said that most people who are raised in church come back to it eventually...

I'm sorry that I have disappointed you; you have no idea how much I ache when you say that. I don't think you realize how much of an influence you have on me, and I don't know if it is a good or bad thing that I let you affect me so much. I suppose that it is both. I'm sorry that I am not "normal," that I'm extremely competitive, that I'm a perfectionist, that I have such high anxiety, that I like to be busy all of the time, that I'm so dependent and insecure sometimes...

But do you know what I'm NOT sorry for? I'm not sorry for this "kick" or "phase" that you say I'm going through. True, I wasn't ever too interested in writing until a certain person lured me to it, and I'm still not an avid writer like many others. But I like it enough; it gives me a way to express how I feel about things and to vent out my emotions without making too much noise. Oh, and it helps me keep my anxiety down, so don't forget that either. And as for the tolerance thing. Do you see that as being bad? Would you rather me be intolerant and thus treat others like I have been for so long? I've finally found acceptance amonst my friends, some of which are the most tolerant people in our little town I'm sure. And though I do not necessarily agree with how many people choose to live or think, I am not going to try and deny those people their "unalienable rights" mentioned in the Declaration of Independence. Besides, wasn't tolerance one of the principles that America was founded upon?

So, Mom, I AM sorry that I have disappointed you or that I get on your nerves or that I make you feel like you haved failed in rasing me well. I am forever thankful that you adopted me and thus gave me love and opportunity that I wouldn't have had otherwise. However, I am not sorry that I have become even more tolerant and accepting than before or that I seem to hold different values than you. I am 17 and can think for myself...somwhat. Just let me travel down this famous road to self-discovery, and I am sure that someday I will "find" myself. Remember that I love you. Always.

Love,
Stephanie

P.S. Too bad you're never going to read this, eh?