what matters and why

lifeless

12/07/01
10:00pm

I think he knows that something is wrong but I blame it on stress, on the overwhelming amount of work I’ve had to complete this semester. Only once did I mention the fleeting thought that my life is so monotonous and sometimes I don’t think I can stand it anymore. His suggestion – get more involved. But the thing is I’m not even getting done the things I need to do now. I think there’s something wrong but I can’t say what or why. I just don’t know for sure if it’s only the time of year or my life in general these days. If it’s that I never get out, rarely speak to anyone other than a three year old. And when I do, I feel completely inadequate. I feel my communication skills slipping through my fingers. I want to do something about it and I don’t know how. I don’t know how I will survive making it through the rest of school if this is how I am feeling now. I don’t want to close to anyone but why? Am I afraid of who I really am or do I think that it’s not enough. There are days when I feel like I am barely hanging in there. It’s so easy just to cast blame on all the other things going on in my life, little as they may be. But I think it may be more serious. But would I ever admit that. Postpartum depression, three years late? What will I do over the break, without a light at the end of the tunnel. Carrying on a conversation is a huge ordeal. I am so worried that I will say the wrong thing or appear foolish. I think that I end up repeating myself or I get lost in the middle and forget what I’d started to say. And then it’s easier just to hang out with the kids. It’s not as much work on my brain. So I spend the day alone, just me and him, and it’s fine, and I love him, but sometimes it’s not enough. I can’t do this forever. There is so much to look forward to; I just can’t see it now. Maybe I’ve involved myself so much in him and his life I don’t know who I am anymore. Maybe I don’t even see myself as a person but only his mother. In making the choice to stay home, this is not what I wanted. But when I do try to involve myself, I find that I don’t fit in. I keep telling myself that in a few years when I’m old enough it will work, but what if that’s not it? What if it’s me and I will never say the right thing and always feel inferior? Always feel as if I’m in the wrong and never sure of myself, always second guessing. Wondering if what I said was credible, or even made sense at all.