what matters and why

not yet

10/27/01
9:30pm

This is something I should be excited about, something I’ve waited for. Instead I’m dreading it, and it’s not even definite. Just a false alarm. What I keep telling myself. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’d planned the rest of my life so carefully, down to the floor plan of our next house. I don’t want any more surprises, no unexpected events. From this point on, everything was anticipated to go as planned. And if what I fear is true, I don’t know how I will handle it. Maybe that should tell me something about how I really feel about it. I know for sure now that I am absolutely not ready. But why not? Could it be that I just need some selfish time for a few years, or that I will never be ready for that challenge again. This nervous feeling in my stomach brings back horrible memories. I’m constantly reliving a part of my life I wanted to forget. I’m so angry. If it is, it’s not how I wanted it and I don’t know how to tell him, I just want my life the way it is. No changes, no surprises. I’ve been okay for so long. I’ve been doing so well, we have been so happy. The last thing I want is to screw that up, and I hate it that I have to admit that to myself. I know I want that, but later. And he deserves all the undivided attention that I can give him now and I wouldn’t be able to do that. The biggest reason though is that I’m only twenty-two years old, and already I live the life of a thirty year old. But that’s no problem. I love staying home on Saturday nights and being in bed before ten on weeknights. I’m just tired of being judged and this would only invite more of that. I don’t know why I think that one year would make a big difference.